This new feeling

It's a funny thing, feeling as though my smile is to big for my face.
I've needed to write it down for a while now.
I didn't want to do it on a status and it's not something I feel comfortable talking about. Perhaps the reason is that I don't want to make others feel like whatever Jen.
I'll always fear that horrible place but knowing its a distant memory now is, well it makes it hard to breath sometimes with pure joy.
My friend at work sits behind me and was listening to my hubby and I on the phone last Friday (open plan offices suck!) and when I hung up I said 'I love that guy' to no one in particular but she reminded me of a time when I was pregnant and things weren't roses. After 18 years it's amazing to be in this place. Kisses and fun in full swing. Happiness is ruling our little home.
A big part of it for me has come from being as sugar free and healthy as I can possibly be. I've lost enough weight to comfortably get into all my old clothes and to be able to shop  and try things on without fear of feeling like I'm a whale. It was so exciting to try on a size 12 fitted dresses in Myer and have them zip up. I'm sure my good friend and sister in law was ready to punch me out because I was so fucking thrilled with that achievement.
I wore that dress last night, sure it was short and I had really high shoes on but I felt so good. I did get a few looks and a girl on my table even said it was far to short. It didn't bother me because I really loved wearing it. The guys commented on my legs and for the first time in a long time I was free from the very tight, heavy chains that have strangled me for such a long time. My fight with my weight has been going on for really only five years. Before that time I was relatively care free About it.
I have been sugar free (as much as I can be without being a fucking psycho) for maybe ten months. I haven't checked the scales because really they never make me feel any good about myself. Instead I took before photos and have some measurements to refer to from my trainer (currently friend not trainer) I can't bear to look at the photos. That girl is long gone!
The people I've got in this time is (god I'm crying) so amazing. Some new, some old but all of them beautiful. None of us have any time, we are flat chat and we never get to hang like old times but it just doesn't matter. The women.... The women are so supportive and beautiful  and funny. No pretending and posing, no bullshit. I see them, they see me. It's so nice to be seen.
One thing I can't change is that conversation that never took place and the call that doesn't come. I can only rejoice in the transformation that took place when I got healthy. So that's what I do.

I ran into my guardian angel last night, the rest of the world fades away when I'm with him. I'm so thankful to him. His words set me free. Being at the tav and then seeing him again set it all in motion. I told him I had two boys and he was floored. He's so proud of me and can't believe I came through what I did even before autoimmune disease and depression. He reminded me that I am one tough motherfucker. And I am

I was  at a wedding last night and watched the flower girl dance with a man and it had me following them. To me all men are predators, trust no one. It's gotten lesser over the years but it's still looming. As women it's our job/role/instinct(or it should be) to watch out for the children and to make sure they are safe from harms way. I have seen that harm, I've lived through that harm and it never leaves you.
Such an emotional weekend, visiting haunted memories and places. Reconnecting with two people in particular that we're role models to a degree.

I'm not going to talk about all this as writing it down is how I eject it. But if you read this please make that phone call and have that hard conversation otherwise you to could lose years. Watch out for the children, even if they aren't yours. It could make such a difference to a persons path.
But most of all be the amazing person you are, stand tall and in time you will overcome the obstacle.