This new feeling

It's a funny thing, feeling as though my smile is to big for my face.
I've needed to write it down for a while now.
I didn't want to do it on a status and it's not something I feel comfortable talking about. Perhaps the reason is that I don't want to make others feel like whatever Jen.
I'll always fear that horrible place but knowing its a distant memory now is, well it makes it hard to breath sometimes with pure joy.
My friend at work sits behind me and was listening to my hubby and I on the phone last Friday (open plan offices suck!) and when I hung up I said 'I love that guy' to no one in particular but she reminded me of a time when I was pregnant and things weren't roses. After 18 years it's amazing to be in this place. Kisses and fun in full swing. Happiness is ruling our little home.
A big part of it for me has come from being as sugar free and healthy as I can possibly be. I've lost enough weight to comfortably get into all my old clothes and to be able to shop  and try things on without fear of feeling like I'm a whale. It was so exciting to try on a size 12 fitted dresses in Myer and have them zip up. I'm sure my good friend and sister in law was ready to punch me out because I was so fucking thrilled with that achievement.
I wore that dress last night, sure it was short and I had really high shoes on but I felt so good. I did get a few looks and a girl on my table even said it was far to short. It didn't bother me because I really loved wearing it. The guys commented on my legs and for the first time in a long time I was free from the very tight, heavy chains that have strangled me for such a long time. My fight with my weight has been going on for really only five years. Before that time I was relatively care free About it.
I have been sugar free (as much as I can be without being a fucking psycho) for maybe ten months. I haven't checked the scales because really they never make me feel any good about myself. Instead I took before photos and have some measurements to refer to from my trainer (currently friend not trainer) I can't bear to look at the photos. That girl is long gone!
The people I've got in this time is (god I'm crying) so amazing. Some new, some old but all of them beautiful. None of us have any time, we are flat chat and we never get to hang like old times but it just doesn't matter. The women.... The women are so supportive and beautiful  and funny. No pretending and posing, no bullshit. I see them, they see me. It's so nice to be seen.
One thing I can't change is that conversation that never took place and the call that doesn't come. I can only rejoice in the transformation that took place when I got healthy. So that's what I do.

I ran into my guardian angel last night, the rest of the world fades away when I'm with him. I'm so thankful to him. His words set me free. Being at the tav and then seeing him again set it all in motion. I told him I had two boys and he was floored. He's so proud of me and can't believe I came through what I did even before autoimmune disease and depression. He reminded me that I am one tough motherfucker. And I am

I was  at a wedding last night and watched the flower girl dance with a man and it had me following them. To me all men are predators, trust no one. It's gotten lesser over the years but it's still looming. As women it's our job/role/instinct(or it should be) to watch out for the children and to make sure they are safe from harms way. I have seen that harm, I've lived through that harm and it never leaves you.
Such an emotional weekend, visiting haunted memories and places. Reconnecting with two people in particular that we're role models to a degree.

I'm not going to talk about all this as writing it down is how I eject it. But if you read this please make that phone call and have that hard conversation otherwise you to could lose years. Watch out for the children, even if they aren't yours. It could make such a difference to a persons path.
But most of all be the amazing person you are, stand tall and in time you will overcome the obstacle.

The joys of toddlers

It's a Thursday, nothing really happens on a Thursday.
All we needed to do was get dressed and get Will to school.
Out little devil Tom however thought this was to hard!
S two hours later and I'm carrying him in the fire and hold, still in his pyjamas to the car. No way can we walk at this point.
The objective is to drive down, park as close as I can and he can dress in the car. S I get the only spot I can see. The car in front of me has left a gap so that I can't fit.  Can't turn around or Will will be late. So fuck it I pull in and I begin the screaming match with Tom to get him dressed (he has ripped his pj top of and chucked it). We stand there fighting for what feels like fifteen minutes with the whole school watching and eventually he is clothed. His bottom lip is out and he is so upset he is doing that post cry huh-huh-huh.
Then, the man in the house needs to reverse out of his drive. It's bell time. Will is waiting patiently and says "it's just one of those mornings"!
I'm stood with back pack on keys in hand looking at the man in the car and dumb founded that this morning has happened. What to do....
Just then some kids and mums from Wills class walk up, I ask them to take Will in for me. He runs of without even a cuddle.
I put the diva in his seat and get out of the mans way. I'm upset that I couldn't take Will in but I'm so happy to have been able to ask my friends for a hand. I just got a message from one of those mums too.
All this because someone didn't want to get dressed!

It's good to see you

Well it's been a long time...
I'm starting off by saying how fabulous it has been not to need you and to finally want you.

Happiness is a feeling, it's warm and its welcoming and it's pleasurable to be wrapped in it.

I can't say how long it took me to embrace it but I really am living it.

What a journey. So many laughs tonight.

Tears today for the children killed. Tears for the man I'm missing.

I am seeing heads poking out from behind the trees. I know you are looking after me and it is such a cozy joyous feeling that is not going unnoticed.

I will be writing something down and I have missed you but it's nice not to need you xxx

Shape versus size

It appears that I may be a little critical of myself...

I went to the shops and was looking at buying something to wear for last night.
I wanted the navy and white polka dot jeans (no chance I was trying on jeans though)

I tried on a dress that was a size 14 and it was so tight. I was so devastated. All I was thinking was c'mon, I'm working my ass of and I'm dying to walk into a shop and pick up a dress and for the only issue to be is the style.

I hate that these shops carry mainly sizes up to 14 and maybe sometimes you can see a 16. That means I am the biggest or second from the biggest in women's clothing. Talk about a downer.
I beat myself up, I felt so down.
I think that I'm huge!

Then
I looked at a photo from last night.

Seriously what in the hell is my problem??
I am healthy and strong and very fit.

Why do I have such a bad attitude about my size? About my body? About a number?

It is ridiculous and time consuming and such a waist of time!
Dad says dress to suit your body, I say change my body. And I am but in the meantime dress the skin I'm in.

I saw a pic the other day and read the comments that followed and I want to point out that even neked I still have the muffin top. If I have jeans on they need to be tight enough to stop from sliding of my ass. My ass just doesn't stop anything falling off.

 This looks unsightly. I am aware of it but this is my shape. So no jeans, no pants. Painful!

I gained twenty kilo's and I had a valid reason for it. I no longer have that disease and I am doing everything I can to get my ultimate healthy strong body.

I have the finish line drawn, I need to keep the journey going.
I need the positive energy to get to it.

So i am aware of the trigger and I need to stay away from it. Shopping for clothes is not where I am yet. I have a bit to go before this wont upset me. Sooooo no clothes shopping for the moment.

I don't want to be the girl that talks about this as an issue when I'm out. So that's the reason for blogging it down.

I did learn something last night whilst whinging about it. I need to eat before my morning workout to jump start my metabolism. So Nuts in the car on the way is the go. Also I was told to take my meds at the same time everyday with food as it effects absorption.
My mate has a few DVDs for me to look at too. Education is power.

Dinner with friends was a test. I didn't over eat to extreme but I did eat a few things that were naughty. I drank water with dinner and I stopped eating.I switched to wine instead of the mixers and vodka.

Then at 2am we hit maccas in a drunken shambles. Thumbs down but so hilarious!

I'm going to keep on trucking!!!

I am not going to be so hard on myself, if you catch me kick my arse

Smiling

Well it's Thursday night and I spent the day at my brothers house working with dad.

We sat in the sun surounded by fallen autumn leaves and having a chat and a coffee. Priceless

I went to the gym and had a great session. I had energy and still do. My body is working . I heard back from the doc and she had increased my meds a bit and it seems to be helping. Only 900 oroxine a week

The horrible horrible potion from the naturopath may be doing something but I'm not convinced. I've kept going with the fruit and veg smoothie and they actually taste pretty good.

I still don't eat bread and milk. This is definitely the best thing for bloating.
I am really happy.

We hit the shops quickly today and I looked at a few things. Chose not to buy anything but I have so much I want when I reach my goal.

I hope that things keep moving!

I've spent a lot of time looking at fashion and am loving the style around at the moment. Do you ever feel like you shop for others? Somewhere I lost my sense of style. Whether it is the fly away comments from friends about a dress they hate or a giggle at your expense. Whatever it is fuck them. Dress for YOU is my motto lately.

My latest obsession is polka dots. Love them!

If I like it I'm getting it.

This weekend looks like a good one with great friends. Celebrating a big win health wise and a birthday. So fabulous to be a part of such a great group of life long mates. Last weekend we all (minus the macs) got together and when you added the kids it was 23 humans in one house. FUN

When conversation comes easy and laughter flows you know you are in good company xxx

The deal

So last week I went and had my blood work done. I felt tired and bloated and my body was and is still not functioning properly.

Winning, I had three out of three blood results come back in a normal range! You hear that NORMAL!
I could not believe it. A) being that I was not expecting it and B) because it has taken so fucking long!
Talk about a short lived achievement as this result was followed by "but" my thyroid antibodies are well into the thousands and they are meant to be 180. I have emailed the endo and am asking her to check out the results and get back to me with the next move.

If its not one thing it's your mother I tells ya!

So in the mean time I went and got myself a new pair of jeans that sit a little higher and are a little looser. When you come from hipster training it's hard to get into high waisted. Weird!

Seen my girls today, hit the pub for a long lunch. Chilled out in the afternoon sun and chatted. Talk about relaxing. Went out with the girls last night too and had a few cocktails. Feels good to have backed it up today. Nothing like drinking with your sister in law and forgetting that she is with your twin and in fact your in-law,love that.

Hitting the gym five or Six days a week with no weight loss.
Feeling horrible in this body and not seeing any results. Next step endo, allergy test, naturopath, gym and dietician.

For the love of Christ what will I do when I'm skinny?

The terrible two's

If it was you at Big W on sunday stepping over an adorable little blonde toddler, well I apologise. The screaming may have caused you some distress. Holy shit! Terrible two is a fucking understatement. Hubby and I had to divide and conquer this weekend because we had hell on training wheels. All we listened to was screaming, whaling little boys. "he has my toy" or "he hit me" or " mum he bit me" or just plain "no". When I wasn't running away I was screaming!!!!!!!! Why is it that little babies turn around and become the child of satin? I mean we are talking horrible little monsters who are so stubborn it is as though they turn into the freaking hulk! We had to take all of his toys off him as no amount of coaxing would have him out them away. Then he laughed at us. He didn't care! I worked up a sweat just moving his toys out of his room and he was screaming with joy because he was jumping on the bed. ARGH I'm sure the neighbors thinks we are crazy. Well anyway after the big w meltdown I took him to eat with me and he did it all over again. This time in a restaurant. What the hell was I thinking? Nope it looks like Im staying home with him for a while. Was it this crazy with Will? Lord how we fucking forget so quickly. Daddy had a great day with our three year old. When we got back they were snuggled together on the lounge. No bother Talk about a challenge!