Hem of His Garment

Believing has never been something I have had in my life.
Believing is not a question I want or need to answer.

I want to write down a story that is not mine to tell but I need to write it down.

Yesterday my dad told me of his experience several years ago and I cant get it out of my head. It was when Euan fell down the mountain.

Firstly here are the lyrics that were stuck in dads head after he heard a song played on the radio. The song is by Sam Cooke it is very old. (You tube it)

"Oh, there was a woman in the Bible days,
she had been sick, sick so very long
but she heard about Jesus was passing by,
so she joined the gathering throng
and while she was pushing her way through,
someone ask her: 'What are you trying to do?'

She said:
'if I could just touch the hem of His garment
I know I'll be made whole'

She cried:
'Oh Lord, Oh Lord and Oh Lord, Oh Lord'
Said :
'if I could just touch the hem of His garment
I know I'll be made whole'

Oh, She spent her money here and there
until she had no, had no more to spare,
the doctors, they'd done all they could
but their medicine would do no good.
When she touched Him The Saviour didn't see
but still He turned around and cried
'Somebody touched me'

She said:
'It was I who just wanna touch the hem of Your garment,
I know I'll be made whole right now'

She stood there crying:
'Oh Lord, Oh Lord and Oh Lord, Oh Lord'

Said:
'If I could just touch the hem of His garment,
I know I'll made whole right now'"

At the time that dad heard this song on the radio my brother was in the ICU at Nepean Hospital after falling from a cliff. He was in a coma and sustained a massive head injury. He was flown from the accident in a care flight helicopter.

My dad was not a church goer nor a christian.

He told my mum on the same day he heard the song on the radio that he was going to church as he just had to go there. My mum asked if it was the nearest church (St Michael's) and he said no, he was off to the little one in Castle Hill. My mum did not question it she went along.

As they sat in church the priests sermon this day was as the above lyrics. My dad could not believe it.
The song he heard on the radio was the topic of the church service!

He stayed behind afterwards and spoke to the priest. He introduced himself as Colin Dunlop and the priest interrupted him and asked if he was Euan Dunlops father, the young man in hospital. My dad was shocked and said he was. The priest stumbled and spoke of his congregation, whom had concentrated their prayers on this young man "Euan Dunlop" for several weeks since the accident.
The priest gathered the church elders and introduced them all to my parents. They all  new about Euan and were praying for him together.

He hugged my dad and asked if he would come back to church next week and my dad told him probably not.
The priest told dad that dad had been sent to the church to let the congregation know that there prayers had been answered and if he did not come back it did not matter. God had answered their prayers.

My dad told me of this story only yesterday several years after the fact. He told me that this is only one of his experiences and he believes that there has to be something out there.

I am so moved by this story and am praying for Zali

So many of your people are silently supporting your family.


Matt your poems/lyrics touch my heart and I adore you for sharing them.

I am no churchy, but it is what it is

we all love you guys, if you need anything please call.

Jen

The end of October already.

I have no clue of the actual amount of time, but it feels like a long time since I have felt like writing.

Their is a whole lot of warmth in my heart tonight. I am thinking of my loved ones. Those who are precious to me.

With all of the commitments we have at the moment I have shut myself of with family and I am feeling a bit guilty about friends. What I have learnt in the past 12 months is that my friends will understand.

This afternoon I had a big fight with Will, he would not eat dinner again and we got so worked up and he ran away from home (next door). He was tired and I had no idea that his dad had given him a sandwich before he went out. So I need to ask, to smack or not to smack because hubby and I reached a point tonight where we decided it did nothing anyway. In the heat of the moment though I really need to learn more disciplining techniques.

I was smacked as a child and all it did was make me fear my dad and withdraw from him. I would hate my children to feel that way.

How will I cope when both the boys are arguing with me? eek.

My "little sister" is famous this month, a magazine has done an article about her and her close friend. I was teary when I read it. It is all about how she has supported a friend throughout the depths of depression. It goes on the say how she visited her in hospital every chance she could and how special she made her friend feel. Oh I was so proud reading it. Knowing what I have gone through this past 12 months. What a beautiful celebration of true friendship. We sat about in the afternoon sun and she played with my boys. Just an amazing afternoon. Her dad said to me that I had something to do with how she turned out. What an amazing compliment, what a beautiful woman she is.

With such a short time until Christmas it is a strange time. Tom is two at the end of this coming month. I can not believe the time has gone so fast and the amount that I have accomplished.

Today I found my waist and I was very happy to see it so I celebrated with some chocolate (I see a problem here can you?) My husband was also happy to see it and told me so. He is still making me laugh and driving me nuts.

Halloween tomorrow, fun with the boys. I can play with make-up and dress ups yeehaw!

"Bigger Better, Bigger Brighter"

It's OK, it's OK just need to slow down my brain a little.

So where should I start?

Right in front of me is a little man with a throat infection. Laying on the lounge with a pillow and his doona watching playschool. He has thrown up today (all over my bedding) and is looking very much in grey scale. Poor little man!

To my major concern, if he is ill tomorrow how do I start my first day of new job?

You may be asking, new job? well to be Frank...so am I!

It all happened in a whirlwind and I am slowly trying to work it all out.

I am doing a full 4 days next week too!

How in blue blazes am I going to get this done?

I wasn't even on the job hunt and somehow I managed to get one. I figure that fate or whomever slowed me down by making me redundant so I will just go with the flow. Perhaps it is time?

I have said to my hubby that if it is not for me I will not stay.

The saving grace is that I know many people at this place and I am not worried about the actual work at all. What I am worried about is not giving myself enough time to stay better. As it is I currently nap with the boys 3 times a week. To some it may sound lazy but to me it is my way of staying "Bigger Better, Bigger Brighter" (this being my accidental mantra). At first I had the guilt's about my day sleeps but as time has gone on I have become very much reliant on them.

I have anxieties on not having enough energy/time to go to the gym.

If I add to my stack of cards again will they all fall to the wayside again?

Will my Graves disease see the stress levels rising and mess me around again?

Over the next few weeks I have a few fears that I am concerned with so I need a plan. The first course of action is to go to the chemist and get all the meds I will need and make sure I do not run out. So I will do this today when Tom wakes up.

The next thing I will need to plan out with my gym bud is our schedule for the gym. Making sure we stick to the plan and making sure that I have a sitter for the boys.

Then I need to maintain the groceries so that we are eating well. So I will do the groceries today also. Making sure that I get enough meat and fruit and veg for the next week and a half. I also need to take my milk and bread with me to work so I don't start eating normal bread and milk again.

Clothes is next I will need to do all the washing tonight and make sure that my outfits are fitting me and clean and ironed.

Apart from the above mentioned things I am also worried about the boys. So to make things a little easier on me I will ask my mum and dad to help out by doing breakfast and dressing the boys on the days they have them (not a real big deal for them and we can just enjoy the morning rather than stressing). Hubby will do a few pick ups for me too if I ask him nice.

So after writing it down I do still feel a little anxious about the next week but not as much. I have a plan.

I have a sitter for Tuesday and we are going to dinner. Tomorrow my great girlfriend is coming to stay with her son!! EXCITEMENT PLUS. Hubby is away for the night too. I have Friday off to spend with them. It is the long weekend also so these are the fantastic things happening!! Must buy grog and food for them today as well.

Races this weekend? must double check if we are still going...
I am a busy woman but I can do this

( I have booked a massage for Sunday too)

If it all falls to pieces you will no doubt read about it and if you see me be sure to pat me on the back and say "it is OK you are doing a good job" (lie if you have too)

Ciao

It was the worst day in ages yesterday!

So hard to find your groove when it's late to the party!

Windy days and I are not friends.

Something about everything being so stirred up that it leaves my head in a muddle.

Yesterday was SHOCKING! started badly because I felt sick. If we counted how many times the boys said "mummy" I am sure it would be in the millions. I was so close to changing my name!

Tomi was just whinging all day and Will kept wanting to show me everything "mummy, mummy look at this. Its a rock mummy" ARGH. Grocery shopping whilst hungry was a bad idea. We have some amount of snack food!

Hubby was late in so I was alone with them and fell asleep with them at half seven! I thought about calling people over to help me.

I tell you what, I have such respect for single parents!

Today is so much better already. Cleaning out the rooms and next minute Tomi had taken himself to bed and was laying down with his 8 dummies.

When I am not at my best the days can be horrendous so today I took a trip to my neighbours and had a mid morning break. We had a coffee and treat. Both boys are in bed.

Tom said "plane" today and is getting a little more vocal. He has a gnarly face that he puts on when he is told "no". I wonder where he gets the bitch face from??

Boot camp measurements tonight. dreading that result after my bad weekend!

ciao for now

So this morning I was woken by the question "where did your Dickie go mum?" So with a slight grin I had to try and explain to Will that I didn't have one and that I had a different wee wee because I was a girl. He kept at it though he kept asking and I think I may need a little help with this one. Google will be asked today what I could say or perhaps you could help me by leaving a comment on how you would or have handled that one.

The next early morning thing I need help dealing with is recurring dreams. Last night I dreamt of someone I am missing badly and I cant seem to stop the dreams. I would really love to stop them because I want desperately to move on.

The boys and I just went to feed the neighbours cat this morning and delightfully the peacock was out and he had his tail up for us. Such a beautiful sight to wake up to! He is so lovely and so loud. If you get a chance google a peacock and listen to the sounds those things make. He lives on our street and is simply part of the hood.

Currently hubby is making coffee and the boys are playing in the lounge which I have turned into a giant bed. Wills mattress is out and all the doona's and pillows from the whole house. Did you and your sibling's ever do this? The boys are jumping and snuggling and we put a rug rats cartoon movie on for them while we had a lay in.

Yesterday we went to a party and had a fantastic time, this place was like your grannies house but on speed. They had everything you have ever come across for kids at a garage sale inside this huge place. The boys were a little rough and the ball bit soon turned into a mosh/wresting pit.

The lady who ran the show was all over it! The boy who had the party had asked his mum for an "island" cake and I found this hysterical! The mums I knew sat and had a drink and chat and it was so easy and relaxed.Love those days.

When we got home daddy had made the boys guns and last night spent more time on them. Will slept with his and has not put it down this morning.

The weather is looking good so i might need to take a trip to my friends place today. Nice to have Sundays with friends and fam.

So many fantastic things have happened this weekend already and its Sunday morning at 8am.
Love my life, love my boys, love my friends.

Ciao for now coffee is ready.

A balanced family is a happy family

What a fantastic day yesterday was. The best part of it was by far sitting with my Little family having dinner together. We had fish and Will kept on saying "My don't like fish, yuk". We had such a laugh. Daddy was playing songs on the guitar to get the boys to eat dinner and by the time he was done his dinner was cold. They played hide and seek for ages and Will was counting and missing a few numbers here and there. Cute.

To get Tomi to sleep hubby had to play guitar for him. Tomi went into his own bed and got himself all ready. I was in my bed with Will and we read lots of books.

My absolute favourite book is the Dr Seuss book, Oh the places you will go. I had no idea how relevant a child's book could be to my life. Ha ha loved reading it too my little mate.

I had to fill in some paperwork yesterday and I had to tick a box that said I was a housewife. That in itself is funny! I have never thought I would be a housewife and I much prefer stay at home mum. Housewife to me is so 1920's.

We had a really great game of netball last night. Worked up a sweat and had a great time. I have been doing a lot of classes and training. I still have to stop eating the wrong thing. You know when you are doing the work and you are at the stage where you think you should be a super model and your still struggling to do up your jeans? Well I'm at that stage!

Healthy body, Healthy mind.

A bigger better, A bigger Brighter.

It feels like we have changed our routine to include runs and trips to the gym. It seems to be really working for us and I think we have found a really nice balance. I find myself smiling more and looking forward to loads of things.

I have DE-cluttered and am working in the garden more. Spring is here and daylight savings is coming in a few weeks.

Yesterday I was cruising around in a singlet and undies when, whilst on the phone to the bank Tomi opened the front door with the key and was heading out front. I had to drop the phone and run out the front after him. Wow I'm sure the bloke across the road would have been smiling at that sight! HA HA little cheeky bugger!

We had my foo's birthday last week and had a McDonald's party. It was great fun. We then had a family do and that was great also. Here is some pic's

The following day was giggles with the ladies at the pub. Once again we spent most of the time laughing and talking. It was so nice and easy. Loved talking to the girls who are going through the same stuff with the kids etc. but I love that we can talk mainly about other stuff. Some of them met me at my most unbalanced and have been so great.

We have a race day booked in at the end of September!!!

Kids have school photos today, can't wait to see these. Will wants to go as superman. I actually have never had there photos done so this should be good.

Busy morning to get stuck into

Ciao



Making waves in the pool when I am not anywhere near it!

Well the heading is dramatic and I really have no interest in delving into it but I will say that the positives outweighed the negatives today.

My boys went to sleep in the same bed again this afternoon-cute. They played well for most of the day and I got a big chance to chat to great friends and to get into some household boring stuff. I spent time with my foo's (nephews) and the boys aunt (because she is awesome). Little bit of shopping and a play in the park with coffee. It was so busy though so we came back to my place. Ah it really is the best play land at our place trampoline, cubby, tyre swing, swing, rope ladder, telescope and a sandpit! My boys love it and I cant wait till summer so we can get the slip and slide out too.

On another note Will was sprung by daddy standing at the loo the other day. Mike thought this was fantastic and I saw the mess and was brought immediately back to sharing a toilet with brothers (YUK) It was a milestone and he was so proud of himself. I ran and got the bathroom stool though.He can stand on that and possibly get it in!

We have a new truck as it came with Mikes job and the boys think it is the best thing ever. I did not drive manual cars very well and I can tell you their is no improvement! Bunny hopped about eight times at netball last week and all the cricket guys were watching me I was laughing so hard! I had the damn hand brake on! Whoops.

Did the garage out last week for fathers day. Pretty proud of myself (dad taught me all of it) and it is so handy. Was so great having dad helping me. Love him so much! He was telling me all sorts of tricks and the stories he tells me are priceless. He leaves me tools too, this week I got a tape measure. Next time he's here he will probably say "oh that's where my tape measure is" and he usually takes them again. I wonder if he is aware that he does it? Meh who cares I love that he does it. I had planned on hitting the junk shops with him a few weeks ago but was really sick so I missed it. I'm sure we will go soon enough whilst I'm not working.

Tomorrow is a special day, it makes me want to see my parents even more. It is on my mind big time and I will never forget what was whispered to me xx I wonder what words of wisdom she would have had...

My gosh the smell of spring was in the house today, the Jasmine was divine. I got less than I wanted done but my god i am feeling good. I went running with my neighbour and the sunset was awesome.

Played netball after that and had a great game, worked like a trooper and lost fabulously!

When I came home afterward the boys were "hiding" under the coffee table. Too adorable for words. Daddy had made a home made pizza telling me it was awful so that I would let him eat it all. It was actually awesome. I am yet to pour that vodka but I wanted to write before I did.

A good friend of mine told me that she blogs and I finally read it today. Her reason to blog was to write down all of the family moments so that she would not forget them. I thought that was fantastic and I intend to do the same. Loved reading some of her stories and look forward to new ones.

 My family of four is the most amazing thing and I am so blessed to have them. My husband found out about my blog today. He was telling me the feedback he had gotten. All positive. I am to say the least chuffed that he has the ability to know that I share myself with whoever wants to read it and he seems happy. If it were me I would be reading it like white on rice. Not him. such a water sign.

Last weekend we had fathers day at mum and dads and it was amazing. Dad had the back fort set up and the boys were in the cubby house. I got loads of photos and loved the day. Mum made bread and butter pudding and the banter about that was hilarious. Hubby and aunt were at it and it was causing endless laughs. I had some forgetting that I don't eat bread and oh my god I was ill. Turns out that it really is making a difference to my body because I blew up like anything and suffered through that night. I didn't tell them that though my god I can imaging the comments. It reminded me of how dad and his brother bantered when together xxx dad misses him so much. He talked about it on Sunday and wished his twin could have walked his daughter down the isle and played with his gran kids. Love him so very much. I can not wait to see the photos.

At the end of this day all I can do is hope that I have not done anything that would cause another any upset. My intention is to be the best version of myself, to be the best mother and wife for my family and to be the best friend to you that you need and want.

Ciao

Too many things are linked in this life.

Today was the boys great grandfather's funeral. To stand behind a woman whom had lost her husband of so many years was moving to say the least. To stand next to a woman who was unable to watch as her fathers body was lowered into the grave was breathtaking. He was 96 years old. We were witness to his story and for this we are richer.

Never before had I had much to do with "old people" as my grandparents were in Scotland. I met him when I was probably 16. He was a cheeky bugger and they welcomed me with such love xx

With this loss we vowed to do more with the nans and our boys. We will not have regrets as we did today.

I thought several times of the hanky in my bag, why I had it on hand and where it was from. Mostly I thought of its history. With regret I said what I could and I prayed (not something I do) or I may have spoken to an angel.

Tonight I watched a show on TV and what was the mothers gift to the bridesmaids...but a hanky.

So many times I had thought of moving it or packing it away, I am so glad that it still remains on my end table along with my heart given to me when I needed the Love xxx

Life is short but looking through a selection of a 96 year old photos starting from the war was ....

A great friend of mine told me last week that no-one has the same people as they started with, people come in an out of our life's when they are meant to. To miss the dead is one thing but to miss the living is sad.

We took the boys to the wake and they brought much amusement to all of us. the cutest was watching the bub kiss all the nans on the lips. He is my cuddly bub and I'm sure that this warmed Nana's heart.

Hard to watch hubby in pain. I could not love him more.

Today was the best way to send a loved one off. I don't feel sad that he died I applaud his life. It is what it is.



I'm up and it is a ridiculous hour. I can not for the life of me get back to sleep, damn it!
I can feel a panic attack brewing so all I could think to do was write it down.
Don't you hate it when all you can do is think about that one thing that went wrong. My regret is that their is nothing that I can or could have done to change the situation. I really do have a broken, swollen torn in half heart. Dramatic you might think to yourself... Well no word of a lie this is how it feels.
I want more than anything to have this feeling gone.
We have so much change happening at the moment and I feel so unsettled. Hubby is in between an old job and a new one. I hope so much that he is going to flourish at this next role. He is happier than he has been in a long time and we are talking and laughing all the time. He is great with the boys, Friday night he had a fire and they both sat in this bucket thing together with pillows and blankets.
They boys are getting so big. I was in the kitchen and copped a kick to the ankle last night, little bugger!
My bub gives fantastic cuddles.

We have extras in our bed almost every night. hmmm should work on that as it may become another bad habit, but I do love a hot water bottle laying next to me :)
Had another fantastic weekend seeing friends and having family time together, jumping on the trampoline. I have been making much more of an effort to getting out and seeing my friends. I am loving working out and am seeing some changes in my body. I found some great REAL images on Pinterest yesterday and wanted to share them with all my fellow body battlers:

She looks so happy! and REAL!

I am desperately trying to give up milk and bread, although it didn't go to well yesterday. Probably part of the reason I can not sleep. My tummy feels horrid.
I have done some more research into what I can do dietary wise to help my Graves disease and by starting with cutting or reducing these two things I would really help myself.
I missed my pills Saturday night, that may be another reason why I am up writing myself out of feeling like this. Pills? I am so over taking pills.
I have a few things I must tend to, such as completing another allergy test. eradicate the allergy foods as much as possible.I need to start taking Cod Liver Oil enriched with vitamin D, An alkalizing diet helps apparently; so do psyllium husks, slippery elm powder and probiotics (all of this stuff is totally new to me, but I will give it a try)
Apparently Missy Elliot has Graves disease and Sarah Wilson wrote a great blog on it. Very inspiring.
I was very introverted yesterday at my friends place, you know when you cant put a sentence together and anything you do say sounds wrong!
I have put some thought into what my direction is for working, still no real clear idea whats next...
I love to get my hands dirty, I would love to renovate everyday if I could. I adore pretty things. I miss the girls from work but at the end of last year the job was to much for me truthfully. I could not handle all my balls and kept dropping them.
Being the best mum I can be seems to be at the top of my list. I figure that these little bubs are going to be at school before I know it. Might as well try and relax while they are still babies.
Must think about Tomi's birthday and Christmas next. What to do this year?

Well I feel better, you did the trick blogger!

A tuesday afternoon in winter

Well it's freezing. Im holed up in bed with the music shuffling and my doona on-AWESOME
Ive arranged the gym with my neighbour and am actually looking forward to this class.
Took some naked photos the other day HAHAHA but let me tell you this is no laughing matter! ah who am I kidding I can never really take myself seriously. I read a great comment the other day that said"It took a long time to put it on, it will take a long time to take it off" Truth!
Kids were great today, hypo but great fun. We had a trampolene delivered on the weekend from the fav aunty & Unc  and it has been a massive hit. One face plant, one winding and a lot of bargaining power "If your naughty aunty will come and take your tramampoline away". Kind of evil but my god I love the power I have (evil laugh follows). The eldest is great on it but the youngest is just getting pumbelled.
Been really slow day today. Jesus being at home all the time can drive you nuts! I kept looking at the time and then finding the next horrible job to do. Then the kids would bugger it up anyway. Repetitive!
I had a read of the note from the husband of the young mum whom was killed last friday and it made me weep. So many times I have rushed out without kissing my bubs. So many times I was that irresponsible driver.  How on earth could one person recover from this loss let alone a family. That poor little girl. I will listen to the warning. The warning for me was to never skip smelling the roses because it could be over in the blink of an eye.
My anxiety needs to take a back seat and I will enjoy the moment.
Some moments over this past week have been catching a glimps of my boys cuddling each other on the trampolene. A smalll boy telling me he loved me. My long time family friends having a lovely dinner with us and years on its exactly as it was.
I want to be that positive person that brightens your day. I want to make you smile. I want to be the girl that smiles at you in passing. And you know what, Im getting there...
bubs awake
ciao

What it means to have an autoimmune disease to me

I have had a massive past few years. The following things were going on around me-My dad had stomach and esophageal cancer, he had an operation to remove it which has been successful but has left him very uncomfortable. My mum was diagnosed with Leukaemia and has undergone chemotherapy leaving her currently in remission and my dad’s twin passed away from cancer.

I want to write down this journey as I guess it is part of my recovery process. Some people may think it is over sharing and to them I say “when I’m quiet, then worry”. So this is my autoimmune disease journey starting from the beginning.

When I was 15 or so I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome. I couldn’t do much (I took advantage, being a teenager).  I was definitely lethargic sleeping most of the time. I went on to suffer migraines and with these I could not stand any noise or light. I felt tingling in my hands and feet. My lips would go numb and I often vomited. To resolve this I attempted acupuncture and this was effective.

When I was 18 I had a major life adjustment. I moved out of home soon after and began a process to place a Band-Aid over my issues.

I was not ill for several years and did not need to go to the doctors for a long time. My weight fluctuated. I always had a vast appetite. I never left a plate of food alone if it was in front of me. I was an average size 12 for a long time. I was strong and independent. I had a very busy life and worked hard.

Six years ago I was married and I was a size ten to twelve then. I was happy and a little too relaxed. It was several months before then that I was on a no gluten or dairy diet. This was a hard diet and I found that weight dropped of me. I lost 12 kilos. It was a natropath that had tested me for these things and advised me off what I should not be eating due to allergies. I was also drinking soy milk then.

After we were married we fell pregnant and lost that baby. I was advised that I had Hashimotos Thyroiditis. The blood tests were the indicator and it was only a few days after the test results that we had lost the baby (results were 88. and should have been 0.04ish) I was devastated and could not imagine how I would recover from the loss let alone live with this disease forever. At that time I could not focus on anything other than how to get pregnant and have a baby. I did no real research on the disease as all I could do was mourn my baby. All I really did was take the medication and get the levels correct to fall pregnant again.

I was scared to death when we did fall pregnant. I did not want to move in case it fell out. I put on 30 kilos with my eldest sons pregnancy. The pregnancy went well and he was born by emergency Cesarean in July 2008.  The gap between him and my youngest son was 15 months; it was a lovely time and a happy time. I wanted them close as I am a twin. I exercised much more with this pregnancy, even completing boot camp until I was no longer able. I wanted to keep the weight off as I felt so uncomfortable after my eldest. All I could think was that if I just kept moving I would bounce back after the birth.

Well another Caesar (this made me a tiny bit upset as I feel that I have missed out on natural birth) and another healthy boy. Both boys weighing over 4 kilo’s might I add! I will not lie to anyone; the first six months were HARD! I was tired all the time. I wanted everyone to think I was the perfect mum. I wanted to prove them all wrong. I could do it and I could manage two babies. I still helped everybody I could. I re-designed my house and did all of it myself. I started work two days a week.  It was like being in a pressure cooker.

I went and saw my endocrinologist whom advised me that I know had Graves’ disease. She blocked my thyroid with a drug called PTU and replaced it with thyroxin. Things began to spiral, my weight was increasing and the endocrinologist added a weight control drug called Reductil. So count the drugs, there are 4 tablets a day so far. The Reductil managed my appetite and took a few days to get used to. I was on the go severely until I became normal. It worked though and my appetite was normal.

After eight months or so the drug was no longer available after a study concluded that it was causing people with heart problems to have severe reactions. I was upset by this as it was keeping me from eating to excess. I mean the very first day was a clear example of exactly how well it worked for me. I ate a quarter of my favourite gourmet sandwich and could not fit in another bite. I could not believe it! I felt FULL!

 To go off Reductil everything changed for me. I tried another drug called Duramine

I could not stay on that drug and this meant that I was bound to put the weight on again. I fell into a depression. The depression led to anxiety and panic attacks. I reached a point where I was ready to seek help. I lost my best friends as they could no longer handle me. They would not even talk to me. They still no longer talk to me. My best friend got married and I was not invited. She had asked me to be her sons godmother and that never took place. I was in a spin of depression and anxiety. I didn’t take any medication some days and took to many other days. I would run out of the drugs and not go to get them from the chemist. I would reason with myself that it was fine I was normal so it didn’t matter. I was eating terribly and not doing any exercise. 

To add to the rest, just before Christmas I underwent a nasal passage reconstruction. One of my nasal passages was completely blocked. This was a day patient operation but what I did not realize was the recovery was over a month and this recovery of your face/head is severe. With my boys knocking me occasionally and not being able to do anything was traumatic. Having this surgery was a bad decision for me at the time. The reason I went ahead with it was because I was on the waiting list for twelve months. I really never put enough thought into the timing and the state my body was in. Christmas was a nightmare and stressful.

I began becoming increasingly aware of heavy periods, headaches and period pain. I spoke with the endocrinologist about going on the contraceptive pill and it took me several times to find one that worked. This was three months of frustration. Finally this pill seems to be working with my body. No more headaches, much less pain and a lighter period. Plus no babies!

My work suffered until I eventually sent my boss a text telling him that I was suffering from depression and anxiety. He was supportive and so were the girls at work. I took days off work to try and re-coup. I felt guilty all the time for not being happy with what I was given. My boys kept me going, many days all I managed was to feed them/ change them and put them to bed.

I went to the GP and had 3 prescriptions given to me and a referral to a psychologist I went once a week for several weeks. That got me through the best friend’s wedding and the medication adjustment. It was wonderful to have that time to myself and it took a long time to stop the guilt. I was more than happy to have  a tea in the waiting room, let alone talk to someone about me for an hour.

I have tried several antidepressants and am currently on Apaxil 20mg a day. I have realized that I am so much less anxious. I did not realize how much anxiety I had suffered prior to starting the medication. The previous anti-depressants that I was on did not agree with me at all. On Citalopram I was suicidal. I was having severe harming thoughts. I had devised a time and place and even worked out how to complete my own death. I fantasised about hanging myself, even to the point where I would place my hands around my neck to see how it felt. My insomnia kept my depression at a peak. I felt so alone and was reaching out to people as often as I could.

So today I am currently on six tablets a day 3 x PTU, 1 x thyroxin, 1 x pill, 1 x anti-depressant.

Currently my teeth have begun to chip, my memory is terrible but I feel more myself than I have in over a year. I have lost a best friend and 3 close friends. I am over weight but I am enjoying exercising.  My feet are a size and a half bigger than when all this started. My nails are not peeling anymore. My legs are often restless. I am particularly sensitive to noise and light, so much so that I sleep with earplugs in. If I wake at night it is so long before I get back to sleep and sometimes I don’t. I sleep when the boys do most days and I need at least 8 hours at night. I am in soft focus some days and find it hard to communicate with others. I feel swollen some days and then others I feel as though I am a size smaller. Occasionally my eyes hurt. I feel the temperature more than other people.

The positives are that I have gained an understanding of suicide and anxiety. I am a better mother and partner. I have much more sympathy for the ill.

I am looking into the autoimmune disease further to understand what I can do to help myself. My endocrinologist’s goal is to get me of drugs completely. She is warm and understanding. She understands that I have young children and emails me if our schedules don’t meet. She takes the time for me.

I am listening to my body, this means when my metabolism slows down my levels are incorrect. This is one of my red flags. If my metabolism is too fast then I am out of whack. In both instances I need to react. I need to get my bloods done. I need to keep exercising and eating correctly. I need to get an appointment with the endocrinologist.

I’m not sure that I am finished expressing this journey as it feels unfinished. I am glad that I wrote it down though.

It is what it is!

Jesus Christ I can not believe how happy I am!

It's amazing how an overactive result can leave me feeling on top of the world! I know that its a high that has a reason and I need to keep on top of the meds to make sure I don't crash-but if I could feel like this forever...

Well I went to the specialist this week and although I didn't actually see her she called after reviewing my blood results/weight and talked me through what was happening. I was very clear "I feel REALLY good" in other words-don't take me off this high!

She made me laugh as she was very ummmm, whats the word? You NOW when your trying to be firm but nice.... ? She said she was worried that if we didn't make a change I would crash and burn!

It's such a shame though when you feel so good.

Today I had a visit from one of those friends who I like to refer to as a "lifer" It doesn't matter how much time goes past or what happens. She will never not have your back! When she arrived I was knee deep in CRAP! toys and bedding and stuff everywhere! Kids all over the place and chaos! she said "what can I do? give me a job" GOD LOVE HER!

All we do is laugh, the difference in our actions lately is that we rarely bitch. It is so refreshing to not talk about others in a negative way. Previously so much of my time was waisted on worrying about what others were saying/doing, who cares!

We talked for hours about uplifting things that made us happy. We talked about Buddha and energies. Picking up other peoples energies and choosing whom we are spending our time and energy on. She met another friend of mine and chatted to her as though she had known her for years and I love that. I am so lucky to have such warm and comforting women in my life. I am blessed.

My boys were so worn out today, so many kids to play with. Will fell asleep on the lounge. Tom was action man till the last minute though tonight.

When I came home from the gym tonight hubby had my salmon risotto on the table and a vodka in hand. He is an amazing man whom I feel so special to spend my days with.He has been so lovely these past few days and we are in such a great place. I love my little family and I can not believe how I have been tested these past months and how they have brought me through it!

Having Graves disease affects everything about my day/days. In these past few days I have been weighed in public. I have worked out in front of a mirror (eeewww) and I am still in the best mind set. That tells me that this high is not because I am amazing it is my hormones/blood levels. Who would be thrilled to be told they were at their heaviest? Who would love seeing baby belly bouncing in the gym mirror? But None of that bothers me! Yep I'm seeing a problem...

Last month I was suicidal, this month I'm euphoric.

MEET ME IN THE MIDDLE!!!!

To the beautiful women in my life that have stuck with me over these hard times, I love and appreciate you! A year ago I would not have put any energy into anything other than what I was used to and then my world changed. The doors to YOU have opened, for that I am grateful.

If I am slack at returning emails and texts please don't worry or be upset, its because I am changing a nappy or feeding a baby. I will get back to you because I love you and am so happy that you care!

Thank you for loving and accepting me

SO MUCH LOVE TODAY!

(but I still have to do the dishes)



It is what it is!

Saturday night at our place consisting of Pizza's and beer!

I love that. We had home made pizza with chocolate for desert.

We woke up at 6 from our afternoon delight (naps) so I highly doubt we are having an early one!

I had intended to take my man to the movies tonight but ate way to much at lunch and drank a bit much.

I went to lunch with my girls for Christmas in July. WOW what a feast. Roast pork and veggies with chocolate fondue for desert. Babies and cuddles. Non stop laughing that has left me with sore cheeks and a warm heart.

A no holes barred montage of stories and jokes about our lives and families. Never have I felt so relaxed at someones house whom I have known for such a short time.

You have to love that when your in deep girl chat and a husband walks into the room everyone stops talking and bursts into laughter!!!!

I came home to a sleeping house. My baby and hubby were in my bed and Will was asleep in his bed. NAW I love Saturday's like this.

Well I had no work this week so I spent the days away from the boys at my dads place painting with the old music blaring and talking to my parents. I love to paint so I cant say it was hard work. Dad was funny though, he followed me around whilst I touched his things. I am a klutz so I had to tease him a bit. I managed to hang onto everything though. i loved working with my hands and decided that I'm not all that enthused about working in an office again. I want to get my hands dirty.

We (grandma and aunty too) took the boys on the train this week and it was freezing, got some great pics. I love that they have cousins so close in age. Simply fun.

It was such a good trip out and cheap!

There is a lot of love in our house. A lot of change too. Hubby seems happier and I cant tell you how great I feel.

I have been exercising and really enjoying it. We played Netty Wednesday and I was shooting! Oh boy... got a few in though and was laughing for most of the game. Pretty sure the girls think I am nuts. It is good to play with different people. I have really played with the same girls since high school but this was completely new. it was great to get out of defence.

I had a nightmare last night about an old friend and woke up in absolute anxiety mode. It took at least an hour to calm down. I'm not sure what I dreamt but perhaps I really don't want to remember.

I have a few people in my life that i am thinking of and want you all to send a little white light there way. Our bodies need a little assistance every now and then and my family certainly have had white light sent to us. So please spare a thought to those who need the positive energy.

I am so lucky to have such positive people in my life, love you

Ciao for now



Will has had a fall!

Update: no nerve damage! there is a chance that in time the tooth may blacken. we cant fix it because nothing is likely to stay attached. So my little superhero is going to look like a pirate for the next 3 years.

DJ Lee and the crew were so great with will! Giving him superhero gloves and magic glasses!
Thanks so much for fitting us in guys! He was super brave.

We brought the superhero gloves home and the boys are being amused by daddy whom is playing with them as usual.

Drama drama drama!

OMG! what a night. Will fell last night while wrapped in his bath towel. this meant he couldn't put his arms out to stop himself. He landed on the bathroom floor tiles. His teeth went through his lip and he has lost half of his right front tooth. There was blood everywhere and lots of tears!!!!!

I gave him nurofen a bottle and put him straight to bed. Mike was out but mum was here. It was so scary!!

I'm so worried that he has done nerve damage but time will tell. I'm to ring the dentist at half eight to get a time to go in. My dentist DJ LEE is on facebook so i messaged him last night and asked for his help. He messaged me back and told me what to do and that he would see me tomorrow. Awesome!!!!!! I'm just waiting for the time to tick away so i can get him to the dentist.

I didn't have an anxiety attack although i got very damn close! I took an extra pill and cant say i slept well because will was in my bed last night as i didn't want him to be alone. He slept reasonably well and has awoken this morning in good spirits...aahhh relief!!!! He has a wicked fat lip and looks like a pirate with no tooth. I was so upset that he has damaged his gorgeous face but it could have been worse i suppose.

Jesus this being a mum thing is so intense.

I will let everyone know the outcome this afternoon.

My poor gidga! 

I still am very anxious though and am trying my best to remember my anxiety rules and steps!!!!!!

It was such a good day yesterday other than that. We went to the park, wee helped a friend prepare the baby room. We all slept for 3 hours and I went and did pump. Its always the way when you stack to many things on that house of cards.

Obviously I am blaming myself for this accident. Why did i bath him he had a bath that morning. Why were we sitting there? I should have done it differently. But it was an accident.

OK i need to call DJ LEE!

Ciao for now

It is what it is!

Oh boy!

So today was in slow motion, after an epic night out at the pub for a 30th I have become a fixture in my arm chair. Hubby called me the paddle pop lion this morning and ordered me to brush my hair and my teeth before i came anywhere near him. The trail of last nights outfit started at the front door and ended at the toilet.

But oh what a night it was. So many lovely people and so many great chats!I stayed vertical for the whole evening which was comforting. The pole dancing stayed very tasteful (if you can put those words in a sentence).

Dancing and drinking and loving. Catching up with people whom i have known forever and love for whom they are. Laughing at ourselves and each other. The music so loud you cant talk anymore you just have to dance.

 It was an amazing night.

The birthday girl had a good night and I'm glad she opted for a night that meant we could all let our hair down. It meant that couples were dancing together and the boys would walk over with drinks for us. It was as though no time had passed and we were all back at the beginning. We are so blessed to have such a fantastic group of friends.

Since I have opened myself up to the world I feel as though it is coming back to me tenfold. People are really chatting to me and are so positive. I even had a lovely compliment thrown at me and I have to say I am going to be gushing on that one for a few weeks. Isn't it funny that when you start glowing with happiness others top you up?

The babies were at the in-laws and unfortunately lil Tom had a sore tummy, but the amazing man in my life bowed out early and picked them up. So lucky to have him.

All we did today was play at home and watch a great movie "friends with benefits" I love Ashton Kutcher. Met up for a coffee with my friend and the kids went crazy at the park. I opened the car door on Wills head-whoops! hes fine but you always feel like such a retard when you hurt your own kids! I blame my hangover and the slow motion for it! ah what are you going to do but keep practicing and hope that in time you can drink yourself stupid and then follow it up without bopping the kids in the head!

Played with my iPhone today and dreamed about all the things I want to do this week. Loving the concepts I have for our place but I just need the motivation to back it up.

I'm so excited for whats next. I want to do my own consulting and start my own hands on work. It makes me nervous... I remember the physical work that I used to thrive doing and I want to do that again. None of this internal office rubbish! Doing stupid unnecessary activities that make no sense but you are just doing what you have to do because someone thinks you should only to be told oh no we are not doing that anymore. Why did we ever do it?!

 I want to see "it" being created in front of me and I want to be able to say that i did "that". The work I have done I loved but I'm ready for the next step.

off to my beautiful warm bed.

Ciao for now

It is what it is!

I'm not sure what made me think of it this morning, but I was driving along and I thought about when I was in year 5 and 6 and we used to catch a bus that went 20 minutes the wrong way before it drove us home. I realize now that this was because my parents had no one to watch us at home and so it didn't matter how long it took to get home. My gosh we spent so much time on that bus!

One very clear memory I have is of all of us making a sign (the bigger kids made it) that read "Smile if you had sex last night". This sign was then placed on the back window of the bus and then the cars behind would read it and usually laugh. We thought this was the funniest thing ever!

Who on earth came up with that?

We got into trouble at school for it. I'm sure the teachers had a good chuckle about it though.

I am home alone today as the boys are at daycare. So quiet here!

I'm sure I have done more than I would do at work and its only 3pm.

It is so nice to have a clean house for nobody other than myself.

Been thinking today about the year and I simply can not believe the way it has turned out so far. I lost my besties, I lost my mental health, I lost myself.

I probably am better for it as I am much more present. I have had many new doors opened and have not been so closed of to others. It is nice to be able to say that I feel I am coming out of a bad cloud.

If you or anybody you know has ever experienced anxiety and depression I can honestly tell you that it is not something they have any control over. Never had I imagined that I would be that person fantasising about dying.

I am no longer in that place and look back upon it as if it were an outer body experience. Nobody caused it but nobody could help and very few people understood.

Committing suicide is not a selfish act as I thought it once was. To that person it is the only answer to a torment that is so terrible. Not having a light at the end of the tunnel, being in a room and feeling so very alone. Looking around and not being in your current surroundings.

I am and have always been honest, if what I say does not appeal to you then move on.

It was when I was told not to talk about such things, not to say that you want to die. Why? If ever I am quiet then you need to worry. I got told that I was selfish that I should never want to do that to my kids. Being told this made me feel even worse. I should never have wanted to end my life, but at that point I felt that was all i could do.

I am a part of a small family with two boys, we would go out and have a nice time but i certainly was not happy. I could giggle at the boys or play with them but it was as if a piece of me was missing as I just did not feel joy.

The weekends were the worst, I have not yet figured out how Friday and Saturday nights went from being the best nights of the week to being my anxiety attack prone nights.

Today is Friday and I have planned to meet a school friend for drinks. I am looking forward to this and even have a dress to wear.

I went to the gym for a few hours today and then came back and did work around the house.

Dad came around and took the old shed to the tip for me. We had a great chat. We talked about how he was as a parent. I told him I thought he was a great dad. He instilled values and morals to which I myself hope to do with the boys. He was doubtful and told me that he and mum made there fair share of mistakes and that basically they made it up as they went along. The worst part for them was that they had no family network as they had left them all in Scotland.

He had seen the photos of my cousins baby and his mum holding the baby. He said it made him want to go and jump on a plane and see her. If i had money I would go too.

I talked about the positive influences and images that are helping me through each day and asked him to come to the gym with me to get fit. He was happy that I had the gym membership because of my Graves disease. And so I should !!!

It got pretty heavy today

I am remembering that this is the best time of my life and I can (thanks to the 5 pills I take daily) once again feel joy!

Tomi had his brothers undies on last night and looked like such a big boy-gorgeous



It is what it is!

So many things to get on with...

Today I dropped the boys at daycare and then came back home to do the stay at home mum thing.

It is very strange as I'm usually on my way to work.

I had tidied and sorted all by half eight!

I looked at the clock and giggled to myself. It is so much faster when little boy's aren't following you around and "helping"!

I wanted to get to the shops for a coffee and return a couple of things before lunch with some mates.

It was so simple remembering all the things I needed when I was on my own. I have started making notes on my iPhone of things i want and things I need to do. Not the best timing as we will not have money for it if I'm not working. A girl can and should dream right?

The other nifty idea i am utilizing is writing my shopping list on the glass splash back and taking a photo of the list before i go to the shops. It is working a treat. I write my weekly meal ideas on it too and simply erase  them after we have eaten it!

I had planned to go to the gym but of course I ran out of time before i picked up the boys and it is very windy and cold (lame excuse I know!). I planned a personal training get together for next week with the kids. Both the other girls are second time new mums so it should be a laugh and a slow start to kick on the weight loss mecca.

It has been important to me to find a happy place mentally these last few weeks but I am finally feeling good about me and want to start the physical journey.

Of course I worry of a relapse and don't want to put to much pressure on myself but I don't think I will never forget the depths of my depression. It is so very scary. I will do whatever it takes to stay away from those dark thoughts and feelings.

Today was so refreshing, the girls are so positive and so real. No judgement and no bitchiness.

One of the kids has down syndrome and is just one of the loveliest kids i have ever met. What an amazing women his mother is. I stayed later than planned but that's what happens with great company and a few midday bevvies.

Lasagna for dinner and it was all cooked and served when hubby walked through the door. Why is it so important to me to do this because I have no job?

I am thinking about what is next. My neighbour has just come through and asked for help with colours. I have my own ABN so perhaps that is the next step???

Or if that fails I can always rob a bank.

I cant wait to play with the photos from Wills cake/birthday. I will have to post them tonight.

Well boys are almost done in the bath

Ciao

The end of day 1

Well I think we one netball!
Loved playing and loved seeing the girls. Danced & sang the whole way home in the car.

It felt good to have arranged the team, I used to do that all the time but it has been sometime.
I was nervous that I might run into someone I knew.

This afternoon before I left I watched as Will pinched Thomas and made him cry. When asked to apologies he did and Tom is doing the cutest thing, he wraps his arms around Wills head and cuddles him whenever I ask them to say sorry (regardless of who was the trouble starter).

I feel a sense of joy at the moment. I'm not sure why as my hormones are all over the place. I like where they landed today though.

Last night I watched as hubby played play-do with the boys for over an hour. He is such a great dad!

I think I ran into some light at the end of this long tunnel.

XX

Well today consisted of the usual motherly stuff, however...

I did a few nice things just for me!

bought some new clothes

went for a walk to the shops with a skipping rope

spent a bit of time on Pinterest-love!

sorted my photos

Instagramed my photos

So many ways to enjoy my day!

not to many bad thoughts today

spied a few photos of the girls i miss, that hurts

Netball tonight and tomorrow lunch with the girls

No work in the morning, we will see how I feel tomorrow huh?