So you make your way to the specialist. On arrival you have to weigh in on the scale and then relay your weight to the receptionist. BAM! Already your on a downer. Tonight I had gained 6 kilo's I am the heaviest I have ever been aside from at the end of my pregnancies. How do I feel? Cheated. I gained this weight since having radioactive iodine. I didn't eat myself into an extra few dress sizes. I'm not lazy. I don't drink too much. So once you sit in the waiting room thinking about how disgustingly fat you feel and not to mention how horrible you look in your clothes well then you have to get up and keep a somewhat composed face. So then the specialist tells me that I've shot to under active and the treatment has worked. No exact science to the amount of drugs that will work for me so apparently let the games begin. No amount of time until I have a normal. So be positive. A new prescription in the morning. More and more trips to the gym. More conversations with people defending why I'm so fat. Vague responses from people who are just thinking (just stop eating). People who have not walked in these shoes telling me what I need to eat to solve the whole disease just like that! Whalla. Eat this and you won't have a disease. C'mon positive Positive is in here somewhere. I feel disgusting in this body. In my mind though I feel good. It's close Being normal is close Isn't it?

Is my baggage someone elses drama?

The question has been Brought up " can my baggage become someone else's drama?"
I guess the answer is yes.
I sat last night with girlfriends discussing what I assumed they Aready new about me. For whatever reason they didn't. I thought that I had shared this information with them before. Looking back it seemed to be to much for them to take in all at once.
But after discussing this with them I realized that my past few years had put simply, been in addition to a a stack of cards built far to tall. Once you build it up past a certain point it needs to topple over. And that it did.

The past is never going to be forgotten, and can it be forgiven? It always gets remembered. In my case a physical effect rears its ugly head too. The most uncomfortable feeling ever felt.

The only reason it was discussed is because people talk. We have no control over what they say but we are all connected. Never forget that the things you don't mention can always be mentioned by people you have never met.
As I told a good friend this morning picking up the pieces from my meltdown has introduced me to the sunshine they can bring into your life.

I love where we are today. My boys playing and daddy playing guitar in the yard while he watches them. Now that's sunshine!

The next question that this in turn raises is " how, when I was in desperate need of some help could you walk away?"
I don't think that I ever needed to much help, was the drama I brought to your life so much so that you easily made that decision to walk away?

Birthdays are hardest, you don't ever forget the birthday of someone you love.
It's also hard to talk with people who haven't heard, they keep going until you have to summons the composure to tell them " actually..."
I'll never give up hope, I'll probably never understand. I do take responsibility for my Actions but I also have to place it in perspective.

My house of cards toppled over.
And you ran from it...

It was an unexpected delight to see the people who came to pick up the pieces.

Just checking in

Well it's been three and a half weeks since I had radioactive iodine. What a difference! Last week I found myself dancing in the kitchen, laughing out loud to scenarios in my head and dreaming some seriously strange dreams. My confidence is back and I am so smiley. On a few occasions I have found myself thinking about things and then using the tools my therapist tought me to simply move on. Impressive and simple. Today I worked out at home on my own for almost an hour non stop. I went to the gym twice last week. I did a dance class too. I'm tired at the right times. I'm eating properly and drinking water because I'm thirsty for it. Since being home hubby is so supportive and the energy in our home is magic.The boys are a little sick with the flu and Tom is going through the 'no' stage of the terrible two's. I went out to a hens on Saturday night and it was freaking hilarious. The girls were so much fun and everybody seemed to have few inabitions. I love that when everybody is introducing themselves and talking to randoms. I would do just about anything to hear the hen laugh, it resonates with me. So many fun outfits and watching the hens friends arrange everything and filling drinks for us was lovely. It really hit home that surrounding yourself with positive people is essential to a glowing soul. It's Easter next weekend and hubby is gigging all weekend. I hope he enjoys it. Worked with dad last week on the tools. He had me measuring and cutting with the drop saw. Then he had me using the nail gun whoot whoot. Awesome and spending time learning with my dad is so cool. He kept saying " I don't want you to just be a girl who paints". Bless him. I had my tool belt on and all. (it's all about the outfit)