I'm not sure what made me think of it this morning, but I was driving along and I thought about when I was in year 5 and 6 and we used to catch a bus that went 20 minutes the wrong way before it drove us home. I realize now that this was because my parents had no one to watch us at home and so it didn't matter how long it took to get home. My gosh we spent so much time on that bus!
One very clear memory I have is of all of us making a sign (the bigger kids made it) that read "Smile if you had sex last night". This sign was then placed on the back window of the bus and then the cars behind would read it and usually laugh. We thought this was the funniest thing ever!
Who on earth came up with that?
We got into trouble at school for it. I'm sure the teachers had a good chuckle about it though.
I am home alone today as the boys are at daycare. So quiet here!
I'm sure I have done more than I would do at work and its only 3pm.
It is so nice to have a clean house for nobody other than myself.
Been thinking today about the year and I simply can not believe the way it has turned out so far. I lost my besties, I lost my mental health, I lost myself.
I probably am better for it as I am much more present. I have had many new doors opened and have not been so closed of to others. It is nice to be able to say that I feel I am coming out of a bad cloud.
If you or anybody you know has ever experienced anxiety and depression I can honestly tell you that it is not something they have any control over. Never had I imagined that I would be that person fantasising about dying.
I am no longer in that place and look back upon it as if it were an outer body experience. Nobody caused it but nobody could help and very few people understood.
Committing suicide is not a selfish act as I thought it once was. To that person it is the only answer to a torment that is so terrible. Not having a light at the end of the tunnel, being in a room and feeling so very alone. Looking around and not being in your current surroundings.
I am and have always been honest, if what I say does not appeal to you then move on.
It was when I was told not to talk about such things, not to say that you want to die. Why? If ever I am quiet then you need to worry. I got told that I was selfish that I should never want to do that to my kids. Being told this made me feel even worse. I should never have wanted to end my life, but at that point I felt that was all i could do.
I am a part of a small family with two boys, we would go out and have a nice time but i certainly was not happy. I could giggle at the boys or play with them but it was as if a piece of me was missing as I just did not feel joy.
The weekends were the worst, I have not yet figured out how Friday and Saturday nights went from being the best nights of the week to being my anxiety attack prone nights.
Today is Friday and I have planned to meet a school friend for drinks. I am looking forward to this and even have a dress to wear.
I went to the gym for a few hours today and then came back and did work around the house.
Dad came around and took the old shed to the tip for me. We had a great chat. We talked about how he was as a parent. I told him I thought he was a great dad. He instilled values and morals to which I myself hope to do with the boys. He was doubtful and told me that he and mum made there fair share of mistakes and that basically they made it up as they went along. The worst part for them was that they had no family network as they had left them all in Scotland.
He had seen the photos of my cousins baby and his mum holding the baby. He said it made him want to go and jump on a plane and see her. If i had money I would go too.
I talked about the positive influences and images that are helping me through each day and asked him to come to the gym with me to get fit. He was happy that I had the gym membership because of my Graves disease. And so I should !!!
It got pretty heavy today
I am remembering that this is the best time of my life and I can (thanks to the 5 pills I take daily) once again feel joy!
Tomi had his brothers undies on last night and looked like such a big boy-gorgeous
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