What I should have stood up and yelled!

So whilst sitting next to a man he began to tell a story of a woman whom was coming to seek treatment from him as she had been doing manual labour and her body was not used to it. The reason she was doing this is because her husband was suffering depression and was not working. The woman had taken on the load and was sore because of that. Her children had suffered sporting injuries and therefor she was also looking after them. The man went on to tell me that she was overweight and looked as though she did not take care of herself. The man was more shocked to learn she was in fact the same age as him. He said he would not look twice at her if he saw her on the street. He found it hilarious that this woman's husband was not working because of his depression. " what a loser" " hi honey have you made dinner? Nope I'm depressed". He laughed to the point he held his stomach. The man spoke on this topic for several minutes. I did not have the courage to stand up and say what I should have. I could not speak. If I could turn the clock back this is what I would have said: This woman has lived so much more than you because she has so much love for the three most important people in her life that she is carrying them when they are in need. Who gives a fuck what she looks like. Who gives a fuck if she is overweight. You sir have missed this life lesson completely. You sir have no comprehension of being anything but selfish. You may be her age on paper but your about 13 years younger than her mentally (13 years being the age of her eldest child) The depression that her husband is suffering is not a laughing matter. He is not being lazy! How fucking dare you to sit in judgement when you yourself have not been through depression or any mental illness. Not only have you no idea the weight this woman carries everyday but you have no idea of the people in your own life who have and do struggle with mental illness. This woman and woman in similar positions should be commended for all the love and support given to their loved ones. They are beautiful. Shame on you for being an absolute arsehole! That is what I should have said...

Yesterday the kids were picked up and looked after. Hubby and I went to the shops and then cought a movie. At one point he asked if I was a Phsyco, I was so confused. He then explained that I was walking around smiling at people and it was freaking him out. He cracks me up. It did make me think how peaceful I felt though. Yesterday I went to yoga and did a run before that. My god it makes me feel fantastic. I love the instructor, he is lovely! So I still feel really fantastic. Tuesday is the three week mark of being back on oroxine and working out five days a weeks and eating really well. I'm feeling more comfortable in my skin and am excited about going to the doctors in a few more weeks to check out my levels and weigh in. Dad was great this week, asked me how it was going and pointed out that loosing 2.7 kilos was great and equated it to almost three bags of sugar. So I have decided to get a thing going. Twenty two kilos of something. When I loose weight I move it from the "weight to loose" to the "weight I've lost". What to use.... Pebbles! Remembering I'm only going to weigh myself at the six week intervals roughly until I can handle the numbers in my head. Read the cutest little animation the other day "we only have one body, love the one you're in" When I was emotional and agitated the other day I greeted my dad with tears and a cuddle and he wandered of and came back with the coolest wrist cuff. Love my old man! Love my new cuff!

When you open a locked box and immediately after Looking inside you wish you never touched it. That's what tonight feels like. I opened it and felt inside and now I really don't want to be any where near that box. It feels better to be further away from it emotionally. Did I need to open it again. No I don't think so. So back it goes, the locked box. Under some other boxes in a room in a house in another suburb far far away. This week has been one with agitation and frustration. Let it go It's hormones and it's not you. No need to worry, no need to stress because everything and everyone is really really good. See that cemetery? We are a lot better than those folk.

Well 16 days into starting meds again I have been hitting it pretty hard. Healthy eating and working out loads. I'm on 100 mg per day of oroxine and nothing else. I have weighed myself once since that last visit to the doctors office for the compulsory weigh in and can't bring myself to do it again. Even though I had lost 2.7 kilo then I want to go of how I feel and look in my clothes. I will weigh in at the next Endocronologist appointment. It has to be good news. I have had a few hard temptations and made it through them. Trips to Chinese with dad. A visit to mcdonalds today with the boys. Nights out. All the right decisions are being made. I'm getting pretty good at using my will power. I did read a blog this morning which had images of before and after photos. So feeling inspired and reading the blogger regretted not taking the before photo at the very start, I went for it. I took a bikini shot and then put my skinny jeans on and did them up with my belt on the last hole. Holy crap! I am emotional this time of the month and finding it an especially hard time. Adding in some pretty harsh reality checks was too much. I continue to wear tight uncomfortable jeans because I want to be aware as much as possible that it is a continuous battle. As soon as I get home I'm in pj bottoms that's for sure. I have seen people looking at my gut and that is off putting to say the least. Yes I can see your eyes through your sunglasses! I stuck the scales print out from the gym to the inside of my vanity cabinet and I think I will put the photos up too. Just in case I loose focus. I'm considering looking at an eating plan but I don't think I would like following what someone has dictated to me. I have shin splints, blisters on the balls of my foot and under my boobs are red raw. I spoke to the trainer at the gym and she advised to step up cardio and to back of from running while shin splints heal. This week I tried a marathon of classes and loved it! I kept up with a friend of mine and thoroughly enjoyed it. I'm trying to do 5 days a week with yoga as well. I am thinking of setting some goals but am not sure I want weight to be the goal. I need Measurements to be taken instead I think. That with six week endo appointments checking TSH Levels and weight is probably enough. I don't really have a period of time I need to loose this weight and I want to do it for the long term. A lot of my mates are helping me with my battle and I love the company. It sure is keeping me sane. When I miss a workout I get agitated for sure. I met dad with a big hug today and he gave me the coolest wrist kuff because he thought it would look great with his favorite dress

So you make your way to the specialist. On arrival you have to weigh in on the scale and then relay your weight to the receptionist. BAM! Already your on a downer. Tonight I had gained 6 kilo's I am the heaviest I have ever been aside from at the end of my pregnancies. How do I feel? Cheated. I gained this weight since having radioactive iodine. I didn't eat myself into an extra few dress sizes. I'm not lazy. I don't drink too much. So once you sit in the waiting room thinking about how disgustingly fat you feel and not to mention how horrible you look in your clothes well then you have to get up and keep a somewhat composed face. So then the specialist tells me that I've shot to under active and the treatment has worked. No exact science to the amount of drugs that will work for me so apparently let the games begin. No amount of time until I have a normal. So be positive. A new prescription in the morning. More and more trips to the gym. More conversations with people defending why I'm so fat. Vague responses from people who are just thinking (just stop eating). People who have not walked in these shoes telling me what I need to eat to solve the whole disease just like that! Whalla. Eat this and you won't have a disease. C'mon positive Positive is in here somewhere. I feel disgusting in this body. In my mind though I feel good. It's close Being normal is close Isn't it?

Is my baggage someone elses drama?

The question has been Brought up " can my baggage become someone else's drama?"
I guess the answer is yes.
I sat last night with girlfriends discussing what I assumed they Aready new about me. For whatever reason they didn't. I thought that I had shared this information with them before. Looking back it seemed to be to much for them to take in all at once.
But after discussing this with them I realized that my past few years had put simply, been in addition to a a stack of cards built far to tall. Once you build it up past a certain point it needs to topple over. And that it did.

The past is never going to be forgotten, and can it be forgiven? It always gets remembered. In my case a physical effect rears its ugly head too. The most uncomfortable feeling ever felt.

The only reason it was discussed is because people talk. We have no control over what they say but we are all connected. Never forget that the things you don't mention can always be mentioned by people you have never met.
As I told a good friend this morning picking up the pieces from my meltdown has introduced me to the sunshine they can bring into your life.

I love where we are today. My boys playing and daddy playing guitar in the yard while he watches them. Now that's sunshine!

The next question that this in turn raises is " how, when I was in desperate need of some help could you walk away?"
I don't think that I ever needed to much help, was the drama I brought to your life so much so that you easily made that decision to walk away?

Birthdays are hardest, you don't ever forget the birthday of someone you love.
It's also hard to talk with people who haven't heard, they keep going until you have to summons the composure to tell them " actually..."
I'll never give up hope, I'll probably never understand. I do take responsibility for my Actions but I also have to place it in perspective.

My house of cards toppled over.
And you ran from it...

It was an unexpected delight to see the people who came to pick up the pieces.

Just checking in

Well it's been three and a half weeks since I had radioactive iodine. What a difference! Last week I found myself dancing in the kitchen, laughing out loud to scenarios in my head and dreaming some seriously strange dreams. My confidence is back and I am so smiley. On a few occasions I have found myself thinking about things and then using the tools my therapist tought me to simply move on. Impressive and simple. Today I worked out at home on my own for almost an hour non stop. I went to the gym twice last week. I did a dance class too. I'm tired at the right times. I'm eating properly and drinking water because I'm thirsty for it. Since being home hubby is so supportive and the energy in our home is magic.The boys are a little sick with the flu and Tom is going through the 'no' stage of the terrible two's. I went out to a hens on Saturday night and it was freaking hilarious. The girls were so much fun and everybody seemed to have few inabitions. I love that when everybody is introducing themselves and talking to randoms. I would do just about anything to hear the hen laugh, it resonates with me. So many fun outfits and watching the hens friends arrange everything and filling drinks for us was lovely. It really hit home that surrounding yourself with positive people is essential to a glowing soul. It's Easter next weekend and hubby is gigging all weekend. I hope he enjoys it. Worked with dad last week on the tools. He had me measuring and cutting with the drop saw. Then he had me using the nail gun whoot whoot. Awesome and spending time learning with my dad is so cool. He kept saying " I don't want you to just be a girl who paints". Bless him. I had my tool belt on and all. (it's all about the outfit)