It is what it is!

Jesus Christ I can not believe how happy I am!

It's amazing how an overactive result can leave me feeling on top of the world! I know that its a high that has a reason and I need to keep on top of the meds to make sure I don't crash-but if I could feel like this forever...

Well I went to the specialist this week and although I didn't actually see her she called after reviewing my blood results/weight and talked me through what was happening. I was very clear "I feel REALLY good" in other words-don't take me off this high!

She made me laugh as she was very ummmm, whats the word? You NOW when your trying to be firm but nice.... ? She said she was worried that if we didn't make a change I would crash and burn!

It's such a shame though when you feel so good.

Today I had a visit from one of those friends who I like to refer to as a "lifer" It doesn't matter how much time goes past or what happens. She will never not have your back! When she arrived I was knee deep in CRAP! toys and bedding and stuff everywhere! Kids all over the place and chaos! she said "what can I do? give me a job" GOD LOVE HER!

All we do is laugh, the difference in our actions lately is that we rarely bitch. It is so refreshing to not talk about others in a negative way. Previously so much of my time was waisted on worrying about what others were saying/doing, who cares!

We talked for hours about uplifting things that made us happy. We talked about Buddha and energies. Picking up other peoples energies and choosing whom we are spending our time and energy on. She met another friend of mine and chatted to her as though she had known her for years and I love that. I am so lucky to have such warm and comforting women in my life. I am blessed.

My boys were so worn out today, so many kids to play with. Will fell asleep on the lounge. Tom was action man till the last minute though tonight.

When I came home from the gym tonight hubby had my salmon risotto on the table and a vodka in hand. He is an amazing man whom I feel so special to spend my days with.He has been so lovely these past few days and we are in such a great place. I love my little family and I can not believe how I have been tested these past months and how they have brought me through it!

Having Graves disease affects everything about my day/days. In these past few days I have been weighed in public. I have worked out in front of a mirror (eeewww) and I am still in the best mind set. That tells me that this high is not because I am amazing it is my hormones/blood levels. Who would be thrilled to be told they were at their heaviest? Who would love seeing baby belly bouncing in the gym mirror? But None of that bothers me! Yep I'm seeing a problem...

Last month I was suicidal, this month I'm euphoric.

MEET ME IN THE MIDDLE!!!!

To the beautiful women in my life that have stuck with me over these hard times, I love and appreciate you! A year ago I would not have put any energy into anything other than what I was used to and then my world changed. The doors to YOU have opened, for that I am grateful.

If I am slack at returning emails and texts please don't worry or be upset, its because I am changing a nappy or feeding a baby. I will get back to you because I love you and am so happy that you care!

Thank you for loving and accepting me

SO MUCH LOVE TODAY!

(but I still have to do the dishes)



It is what it is!

Saturday night at our place consisting of Pizza's and beer!

I love that. We had home made pizza with chocolate for desert.

We woke up at 6 from our afternoon delight (naps) so I highly doubt we are having an early one!

I had intended to take my man to the movies tonight but ate way to much at lunch and drank a bit much.

I went to lunch with my girls for Christmas in July. WOW what a feast. Roast pork and veggies with chocolate fondue for desert. Babies and cuddles. Non stop laughing that has left me with sore cheeks and a warm heart.

A no holes barred montage of stories and jokes about our lives and families. Never have I felt so relaxed at someones house whom I have known for such a short time.

You have to love that when your in deep girl chat and a husband walks into the room everyone stops talking and bursts into laughter!!!!

I came home to a sleeping house. My baby and hubby were in my bed and Will was asleep in his bed. NAW I love Saturday's like this.

Well I had no work this week so I spent the days away from the boys at my dads place painting with the old music blaring and talking to my parents. I love to paint so I cant say it was hard work. Dad was funny though, he followed me around whilst I touched his things. I am a klutz so I had to tease him a bit. I managed to hang onto everything though. i loved working with my hands and decided that I'm not all that enthused about working in an office again. I want to get my hands dirty.

We (grandma and aunty too) took the boys on the train this week and it was freezing, got some great pics. I love that they have cousins so close in age. Simply fun.

It was such a good trip out and cheap!

There is a lot of love in our house. A lot of change too. Hubby seems happier and I cant tell you how great I feel.

I have been exercising and really enjoying it. We played Netty Wednesday and I was shooting! Oh boy... got a few in though and was laughing for most of the game. Pretty sure the girls think I am nuts. It is good to play with different people. I have really played with the same girls since high school but this was completely new. it was great to get out of defence.

I had a nightmare last night about an old friend and woke up in absolute anxiety mode. It took at least an hour to calm down. I'm not sure what I dreamt but perhaps I really don't want to remember.

I have a few people in my life that i am thinking of and want you all to send a little white light there way. Our bodies need a little assistance every now and then and my family certainly have had white light sent to us. So please spare a thought to those who need the positive energy.

I am so lucky to have such positive people in my life, love you

Ciao for now



Will has had a fall!

Update: no nerve damage! there is a chance that in time the tooth may blacken. we cant fix it because nothing is likely to stay attached. So my little superhero is going to look like a pirate for the next 3 years.

DJ Lee and the crew were so great with will! Giving him superhero gloves and magic glasses!
Thanks so much for fitting us in guys! He was super brave.

We brought the superhero gloves home and the boys are being amused by daddy whom is playing with them as usual.

Drama drama drama!

OMG! what a night. Will fell last night while wrapped in his bath towel. this meant he couldn't put his arms out to stop himself. He landed on the bathroom floor tiles. His teeth went through his lip and he has lost half of his right front tooth. There was blood everywhere and lots of tears!!!!!

I gave him nurofen a bottle and put him straight to bed. Mike was out but mum was here. It was so scary!!

I'm so worried that he has done nerve damage but time will tell. I'm to ring the dentist at half eight to get a time to go in. My dentist DJ LEE is on facebook so i messaged him last night and asked for his help. He messaged me back and told me what to do and that he would see me tomorrow. Awesome!!!!!! I'm just waiting for the time to tick away so i can get him to the dentist.

I didn't have an anxiety attack although i got very damn close! I took an extra pill and cant say i slept well because will was in my bed last night as i didn't want him to be alone. He slept reasonably well and has awoken this morning in good spirits...aahhh relief!!!! He has a wicked fat lip and looks like a pirate with no tooth. I was so upset that he has damaged his gorgeous face but it could have been worse i suppose.

Jesus this being a mum thing is so intense.

I will let everyone know the outcome this afternoon.

My poor gidga! 

I still am very anxious though and am trying my best to remember my anxiety rules and steps!!!!!!

It was such a good day yesterday other than that. We went to the park, wee helped a friend prepare the baby room. We all slept for 3 hours and I went and did pump. Its always the way when you stack to many things on that house of cards.

Obviously I am blaming myself for this accident. Why did i bath him he had a bath that morning. Why were we sitting there? I should have done it differently. But it was an accident.

OK i need to call DJ LEE!

Ciao for now

It is what it is!

Oh boy!

So today was in slow motion, after an epic night out at the pub for a 30th I have become a fixture in my arm chair. Hubby called me the paddle pop lion this morning and ordered me to brush my hair and my teeth before i came anywhere near him. The trail of last nights outfit started at the front door and ended at the toilet.

But oh what a night it was. So many lovely people and so many great chats!I stayed vertical for the whole evening which was comforting. The pole dancing stayed very tasteful (if you can put those words in a sentence).

Dancing and drinking and loving. Catching up with people whom i have known forever and love for whom they are. Laughing at ourselves and each other. The music so loud you cant talk anymore you just have to dance.

 It was an amazing night.

The birthday girl had a good night and I'm glad she opted for a night that meant we could all let our hair down. It meant that couples were dancing together and the boys would walk over with drinks for us. It was as though no time had passed and we were all back at the beginning. We are so blessed to have such a fantastic group of friends.

Since I have opened myself up to the world I feel as though it is coming back to me tenfold. People are really chatting to me and are so positive. I even had a lovely compliment thrown at me and I have to say I am going to be gushing on that one for a few weeks. Isn't it funny that when you start glowing with happiness others top you up?

The babies were at the in-laws and unfortunately lil Tom had a sore tummy, but the amazing man in my life bowed out early and picked them up. So lucky to have him.

All we did today was play at home and watch a great movie "friends with benefits" I love Ashton Kutcher. Met up for a coffee with my friend and the kids went crazy at the park. I opened the car door on Wills head-whoops! hes fine but you always feel like such a retard when you hurt your own kids! I blame my hangover and the slow motion for it! ah what are you going to do but keep practicing and hope that in time you can drink yourself stupid and then follow it up without bopping the kids in the head!

Played with my iPhone today and dreamed about all the things I want to do this week. Loving the concepts I have for our place but I just need the motivation to back it up.

I'm so excited for whats next. I want to do my own consulting and start my own hands on work. It makes me nervous... I remember the physical work that I used to thrive doing and I want to do that again. None of this internal office rubbish! Doing stupid unnecessary activities that make no sense but you are just doing what you have to do because someone thinks you should only to be told oh no we are not doing that anymore. Why did we ever do it?!

 I want to see "it" being created in front of me and I want to be able to say that i did "that". The work I have done I loved but I'm ready for the next step.

off to my beautiful warm bed.

Ciao for now

It is what it is!

I'm not sure what made me think of it this morning, but I was driving along and I thought about when I was in year 5 and 6 and we used to catch a bus that went 20 minutes the wrong way before it drove us home. I realize now that this was because my parents had no one to watch us at home and so it didn't matter how long it took to get home. My gosh we spent so much time on that bus!

One very clear memory I have is of all of us making a sign (the bigger kids made it) that read "Smile if you had sex last night". This sign was then placed on the back window of the bus and then the cars behind would read it and usually laugh. We thought this was the funniest thing ever!

Who on earth came up with that?

We got into trouble at school for it. I'm sure the teachers had a good chuckle about it though.

I am home alone today as the boys are at daycare. So quiet here!

I'm sure I have done more than I would do at work and its only 3pm.

It is so nice to have a clean house for nobody other than myself.

Been thinking today about the year and I simply can not believe the way it has turned out so far. I lost my besties, I lost my mental health, I lost myself.

I probably am better for it as I am much more present. I have had many new doors opened and have not been so closed of to others. It is nice to be able to say that I feel I am coming out of a bad cloud.

If you or anybody you know has ever experienced anxiety and depression I can honestly tell you that it is not something they have any control over. Never had I imagined that I would be that person fantasising about dying.

I am no longer in that place and look back upon it as if it were an outer body experience. Nobody caused it but nobody could help and very few people understood.

Committing suicide is not a selfish act as I thought it once was. To that person it is the only answer to a torment that is so terrible. Not having a light at the end of the tunnel, being in a room and feeling so very alone. Looking around and not being in your current surroundings.

I am and have always been honest, if what I say does not appeal to you then move on.

It was when I was told not to talk about such things, not to say that you want to die. Why? If ever I am quiet then you need to worry. I got told that I was selfish that I should never want to do that to my kids. Being told this made me feel even worse. I should never have wanted to end my life, but at that point I felt that was all i could do.

I am a part of a small family with two boys, we would go out and have a nice time but i certainly was not happy. I could giggle at the boys or play with them but it was as if a piece of me was missing as I just did not feel joy.

The weekends were the worst, I have not yet figured out how Friday and Saturday nights went from being the best nights of the week to being my anxiety attack prone nights.

Today is Friday and I have planned to meet a school friend for drinks. I am looking forward to this and even have a dress to wear.

I went to the gym for a few hours today and then came back and did work around the house.

Dad came around and took the old shed to the tip for me. We had a great chat. We talked about how he was as a parent. I told him I thought he was a great dad. He instilled values and morals to which I myself hope to do with the boys. He was doubtful and told me that he and mum made there fair share of mistakes and that basically they made it up as they went along. The worst part for them was that they had no family network as they had left them all in Scotland.

He had seen the photos of my cousins baby and his mum holding the baby. He said it made him want to go and jump on a plane and see her. If i had money I would go too.

I talked about the positive influences and images that are helping me through each day and asked him to come to the gym with me to get fit. He was happy that I had the gym membership because of my Graves disease. And so I should !!!

It got pretty heavy today

I am remembering that this is the best time of my life and I can (thanks to the 5 pills I take daily) once again feel joy!

Tomi had his brothers undies on last night and looked like such a big boy-gorgeous



It is what it is!

So many things to get on with...

Today I dropped the boys at daycare and then came back home to do the stay at home mum thing.

It is very strange as I'm usually on my way to work.

I had tidied and sorted all by half eight!

I looked at the clock and giggled to myself. It is so much faster when little boy's aren't following you around and "helping"!

I wanted to get to the shops for a coffee and return a couple of things before lunch with some mates.

It was so simple remembering all the things I needed when I was on my own. I have started making notes on my iPhone of things i want and things I need to do. Not the best timing as we will not have money for it if I'm not working. A girl can and should dream right?

The other nifty idea i am utilizing is writing my shopping list on the glass splash back and taking a photo of the list before i go to the shops. It is working a treat. I write my weekly meal ideas on it too and simply erase  them after we have eaten it!

I had planned to go to the gym but of course I ran out of time before i picked up the boys and it is very windy and cold (lame excuse I know!). I planned a personal training get together for next week with the kids. Both the other girls are second time new mums so it should be a laugh and a slow start to kick on the weight loss mecca.

It has been important to me to find a happy place mentally these last few weeks but I am finally feeling good about me and want to start the physical journey.

Of course I worry of a relapse and don't want to put to much pressure on myself but I don't think I will never forget the depths of my depression. It is so very scary. I will do whatever it takes to stay away from those dark thoughts and feelings.

Today was so refreshing, the girls are so positive and so real. No judgement and no bitchiness.

One of the kids has down syndrome and is just one of the loveliest kids i have ever met. What an amazing women his mother is. I stayed later than planned but that's what happens with great company and a few midday bevvies.

Lasagna for dinner and it was all cooked and served when hubby walked through the door. Why is it so important to me to do this because I have no job?

I am thinking about what is next. My neighbour has just come through and asked for help with colours. I have my own ABN so perhaps that is the next step???

Or if that fails I can always rob a bank.

I cant wait to play with the photos from Wills cake/birthday. I will have to post them tonight.

Well boys are almost done in the bath

Ciao

The end of day 1

Well I think we one netball!
Loved playing and loved seeing the girls. Danced & sang the whole way home in the car.

It felt good to have arranged the team, I used to do that all the time but it has been sometime.
I was nervous that I might run into someone I knew.

This afternoon before I left I watched as Will pinched Thomas and made him cry. When asked to apologies he did and Tom is doing the cutest thing, he wraps his arms around Wills head and cuddles him whenever I ask them to say sorry (regardless of who was the trouble starter).

I feel a sense of joy at the moment. I'm not sure why as my hormones are all over the place. I like where they landed today though.

Last night I watched as hubby played play-do with the boys for over an hour. He is such a great dad!

I think I ran into some light at the end of this long tunnel.

XX