So you make your way to the specialist. On arrival you have to weigh in on the scale and then relay your weight to the receptionist. BAM! Already your on a downer. Tonight I had gained 6 kilo's I am the heaviest I have ever been aside from at the end of my pregnancies. How do I feel? Cheated. I gained this weight since having radioactive iodine. I didn't eat myself into an extra few dress sizes. I'm not lazy. I don't drink too much. So once you sit in the waiting room thinking about how disgustingly fat you feel and not to mention how horrible you look in your clothes well then you have to get up and keep a somewhat composed face. So then the specialist tells me that I've shot to under active and the treatment has worked. No exact science to the amount of drugs that will work for me so apparently let the games begin. No amount of time until I have a normal. So be positive. A new prescription in the morning. More and more trips to the gym. More conversations with people defending why I'm so fat. Vague responses from people who are just thinking (just stop eating). People who have not walked in these shoes telling me what I need to eat to solve the whole disease just like that! Whalla. Eat this and you won't have a disease. C'mon positive Positive is in here somewhere. I feel disgusting in this body. In my mind though I feel good. It's close Being normal is close Isn't it?

Is my baggage someone elses drama?

The question has been Brought up " can my baggage become someone else's drama?"
I guess the answer is yes.
I sat last night with girlfriends discussing what I assumed they Aready new about me. For whatever reason they didn't. I thought that I had shared this information with them before. Looking back it seemed to be to much for them to take in all at once.
But after discussing this with them I realized that my past few years had put simply, been in addition to a a stack of cards built far to tall. Once you build it up past a certain point it needs to topple over. And that it did.

The past is never going to be forgotten, and can it be forgiven? It always gets remembered. In my case a physical effect rears its ugly head too. The most uncomfortable feeling ever felt.

The only reason it was discussed is because people talk. We have no control over what they say but we are all connected. Never forget that the things you don't mention can always be mentioned by people you have never met.
As I told a good friend this morning picking up the pieces from my meltdown has introduced me to the sunshine they can bring into your life.

I love where we are today. My boys playing and daddy playing guitar in the yard while he watches them. Now that's sunshine!

The next question that this in turn raises is " how, when I was in desperate need of some help could you walk away?"
I don't think that I ever needed to much help, was the drama I brought to your life so much so that you easily made that decision to walk away?

Birthdays are hardest, you don't ever forget the birthday of someone you love.
It's also hard to talk with people who haven't heard, they keep going until you have to summons the composure to tell them " actually..."
I'll never give up hope, I'll probably never understand. I do take responsibility for my Actions but I also have to place it in perspective.

My house of cards toppled over.
And you ran from it...

It was an unexpected delight to see the people who came to pick up the pieces.

Just checking in

Well it's been three and a half weeks since I had radioactive iodine. What a difference! Last week I found myself dancing in the kitchen, laughing out loud to scenarios in my head and dreaming some seriously strange dreams. My confidence is back and I am so smiley. On a few occasions I have found myself thinking about things and then using the tools my therapist tought me to simply move on. Impressive and simple. Today I worked out at home on my own for almost an hour non stop. I went to the gym twice last week. I did a dance class too. I'm tired at the right times. I'm eating properly and drinking water because I'm thirsty for it. Since being home hubby is so supportive and the energy in our home is magic.The boys are a little sick with the flu and Tom is going through the 'no' stage of the terrible two's. I went out to a hens on Saturday night and it was freaking hilarious. The girls were so much fun and everybody seemed to have few inabitions. I love that when everybody is introducing themselves and talking to randoms. I would do just about anything to hear the hen laugh, it resonates with me. So many fun outfits and watching the hens friends arrange everything and filling drinks for us was lovely. It really hit home that surrounding yourself with positive people is essential to a glowing soul. It's Easter next weekend and hubby is gigging all weekend. I hope he enjoys it. Worked with dad last week on the tools. He had me measuring and cutting with the drop saw. Then he had me using the nail gun whoot whoot. Awesome and spending time learning with my dad is so cool. He kept saying " I don't want you to just be a girl who paints". Bless him. I had my tool belt on and all. (it's all about the outfit)

Just blew my stack! Bloody little boys. I spent weeks on and off fixing the walls and painting and I just noticed will has put holes all over his bedroom walls. Fuck seriously I am so upset. Nothing stays nice EVER So I put him in a corner while I patched up the wall again and then took his entire collection of cars and he watched as I threw them in the bin. He keeps asking for them back. I am riding his tail so hard, in the back of my mind I feel so bad. What is to much and what is discipline? I have to be strict or they will wreck the whole place! Right....

Alone on the beach for health reasons :)

It turns out the me time ain't so bad.
It's day four and I am laying under a giant tree listening to the waves crash on the sand.
Some would say thAt taking of alone is strange, but what else would you do of you were radioactive?
I spent a few nights at my parents and slept in. It was fantastic catching up on sleep.
I feel good, tired but otherwise good. I have sore eyes, a fast heart beat and pains in my muscles.
The treatment itself was quick. I sat in the nuclear section of the hospital And when I was called up I was taken to a room and they gave me a flask, inside the metal flask was a glass tube and in that was a pill. Down the hatch and then I could go. I went to my brothers but I really needed a sleep as the stress of it all, the night before had left me sleepy.
So that's it really. 7 days away from kids and keeping my distance from people and I am on the road to normal.
Good times ahead. No more excuses. It's Jenny time. Haha I'm very excited.
So I'm on the beach I had a coffee and an egg and bacon thing(no bread) and I'm watching the people go by.
This is magic but I miss my family. Not long to go. Three more sleeps
I will try attaching photos for you

The night before

So...
Tomorrow Is the day that I see the end of Graves disease.

Although I can't bear the thought of being away from my home and my family for so long (7 days) it is a means to an end.

I am going to the nuclear department of westmead. I will take a dose of radioactive iodine. It takes a three days to leave my system and in that time I need to be very aware of my saliva and waste as it will be radioactive. Today I had my compulsory pregnancy blood test (required as they will not treat any pregnant woman).

I'm not really sure on the other details as I have been told different things. I'm interested in what the doctors have to tell me at westmead.

I guess I am nervous, I am concerned about the treatment as it has effected my family before and we have no knowing what the long term effects will be. The Endocronologist advised me that this treatment was preferred and not surgery. Apparantly the risk of surgery far out ways the Amount of radiation used.

I have had no pills since last Friday and the pain is becoming unbearable. I remember when I was pregnant I would wake to cramps in my legs and would scream. These pains are random but not as severe. They are more often though.
My eyes hurt as well and I do not want to sleep.

All I am doing is eating. I'm nervous it's what I do. My husband is telling me not to...

What if it doesn't work? What if I put weight on. I don't know. What if I do this and I get cancer. Am I doing the right thing?

I'm tired

The unexpected

Well, never expected this!

The thing about being a woman is that certain time of month when things, put simply... Go fucking crazy!

Seriously I new that going of happy pills would mean closer to normal. What I didn't put any thought into is that around that time of the month I would very often take a few extras to help me cope. Holy crap this is just hell.

I want to cry at everything. Today I haven't even managed to shower.

When your best mate says "hmmm, yeah I thought it was your time of the month" and all you can do from reaching through the phone and yelling " it's got nothing to do with that" is grin and bear it. Seriously I had not put two and two together until she said it. What a twit! Yep I have hit unbalanced. Where are my pills????? Gimme gimme gimme

but NO not this time, I'm going to get through it.

Today really does fucking suck though! I went to the gym and over did it, heart rate went over 160 so I went down like a bag of shit in the middle of a pump class. came home mustered up the energy to dress and drop boys at school. Got home and went to bed. Vacuumed and was trying to get through this mega mess when I went down again. Seriously I want normal!!!!! I feel light headed and Am having to force food down because I feel sick. I have dropped the vac on me, kicked my toe and the mess just isn't moving.

All I want to do is curl up and go back to bed. I feel so guilty that I'm not at the other house working. Honestly it is all too hard!

I know that writing it down helps me to come to realizations, such as forget the guilt. If I don't shake this feeling It will get a lot worse. So I will sit for a while, I won't go to work today. Next time I go to the gym I will pace myself. I need to look after me.

I am a horror for the next few days so I need to do all I can to get through it.

I think I need some perspective.

We have friends who are going through hell and I'm having a bad monthly, Jesus this really is a strange life!