Shape versus size

It appears that I may be a little critical of myself...

I went to the shops and was looking at buying something to wear for last night.
I wanted the navy and white polka dot jeans (no chance I was trying on jeans though)

I tried on a dress that was a size 14 and it was so tight. I was so devastated. All I was thinking was c'mon, I'm working my ass of and I'm dying to walk into a shop and pick up a dress and for the only issue to be is the style.

I hate that these shops carry mainly sizes up to 14 and maybe sometimes you can see a 16. That means I am the biggest or second from the biggest in women's clothing. Talk about a downer.
I beat myself up, I felt so down.
I think that I'm huge!

Then
I looked at a photo from last night.

Seriously what in the hell is my problem??
I am healthy and strong and very fit.

Why do I have such a bad attitude about my size? About my body? About a number?

It is ridiculous and time consuming and such a waist of time!
Dad says dress to suit your body, I say change my body. And I am but in the meantime dress the skin I'm in.

I saw a pic the other day and read the comments that followed and I want to point out that even neked I still have the muffin top. If I have jeans on they need to be tight enough to stop from sliding of my ass. My ass just doesn't stop anything falling off.

 This looks unsightly. I am aware of it but this is my shape. So no jeans, no pants. Painful!

I gained twenty kilo's and I had a valid reason for it. I no longer have that disease and I am doing everything I can to get my ultimate healthy strong body.

I have the finish line drawn, I need to keep the journey going.
I need the positive energy to get to it.

So i am aware of the trigger and I need to stay away from it. Shopping for clothes is not where I am yet. I have a bit to go before this wont upset me. Sooooo no clothes shopping for the moment.

I don't want to be the girl that talks about this as an issue when I'm out. So that's the reason for blogging it down.

I did learn something last night whilst whinging about it. I need to eat before my morning workout to jump start my metabolism. So Nuts in the car on the way is the go. Also I was told to take my meds at the same time everyday with food as it effects absorption.
My mate has a few DVDs for me to look at too. Education is power.

Dinner with friends was a test. I didn't over eat to extreme but I did eat a few things that were naughty. I drank water with dinner and I stopped eating.I switched to wine instead of the mixers and vodka.

Then at 2am we hit maccas in a drunken shambles. Thumbs down but so hilarious!

I'm going to keep on trucking!!!

I am not going to be so hard on myself, if you catch me kick my arse

Smiling

Well it's Thursday night and I spent the day at my brothers house working with dad.

We sat in the sun surounded by fallen autumn leaves and having a chat and a coffee. Priceless

I went to the gym and had a great session. I had energy and still do. My body is working . I heard back from the doc and she had increased my meds a bit and it seems to be helping. Only 900 oroxine a week

The horrible horrible potion from the naturopath may be doing something but I'm not convinced. I've kept going with the fruit and veg smoothie and they actually taste pretty good.

I still don't eat bread and milk. This is definitely the best thing for bloating.
I am really happy.

We hit the shops quickly today and I looked at a few things. Chose not to buy anything but I have so much I want when I reach my goal.

I hope that things keep moving!

I've spent a lot of time looking at fashion and am loving the style around at the moment. Do you ever feel like you shop for others? Somewhere I lost my sense of style. Whether it is the fly away comments from friends about a dress they hate or a giggle at your expense. Whatever it is fuck them. Dress for YOU is my motto lately.

My latest obsession is polka dots. Love them!

If I like it I'm getting it.

This weekend looks like a good one with great friends. Celebrating a big win health wise and a birthday. So fabulous to be a part of such a great group of life long mates. Last weekend we all (minus the macs) got together and when you added the kids it was 23 humans in one house. FUN

When conversation comes easy and laughter flows you know you are in good company xxx

The deal

So last week I went and had my blood work done. I felt tired and bloated and my body was and is still not functioning properly.

Winning, I had three out of three blood results come back in a normal range! You hear that NORMAL!
I could not believe it. A) being that I was not expecting it and B) because it has taken so fucking long!
Talk about a short lived achievement as this result was followed by "but" my thyroid antibodies are well into the thousands and they are meant to be 180. I have emailed the endo and am asking her to check out the results and get back to me with the next move.

If its not one thing it's your mother I tells ya!

So in the mean time I went and got myself a new pair of jeans that sit a little higher and are a little looser. When you come from hipster training it's hard to get into high waisted. Weird!

Seen my girls today, hit the pub for a long lunch. Chilled out in the afternoon sun and chatted. Talk about relaxing. Went out with the girls last night too and had a few cocktails. Feels good to have backed it up today. Nothing like drinking with your sister in law and forgetting that she is with your twin and in fact your in-law,love that.

Hitting the gym five or Six days a week with no weight loss.
Feeling horrible in this body and not seeing any results. Next step endo, allergy test, naturopath, gym and dietician.

For the love of Christ what will I do when I'm skinny?

The terrible two's

If it was you at Big W on sunday stepping over an adorable little blonde toddler, well I apologise. The screaming may have caused you some distress. Holy shit! Terrible two is a fucking understatement. Hubby and I had to divide and conquer this weekend because we had hell on training wheels. All we listened to was screaming, whaling little boys. "he has my toy" or "he hit me" or " mum he bit me" or just plain "no". When I wasn't running away I was screaming!!!!!!!! Why is it that little babies turn around and become the child of satin? I mean we are talking horrible little monsters who are so stubborn it is as though they turn into the freaking hulk! We had to take all of his toys off him as no amount of coaxing would have him out them away. Then he laughed at us. He didn't care! I worked up a sweat just moving his toys out of his room and he was screaming with joy because he was jumping on the bed. ARGH I'm sure the neighbors thinks we are crazy. Well anyway after the big w meltdown I took him to eat with me and he did it all over again. This time in a restaurant. What the hell was I thinking? Nope it looks like Im staying home with him for a while. Was it this crazy with Will? Lord how we fucking forget so quickly. Daddy had a great day with our three year old. When we got back they were snuggled together on the lounge. No bother Talk about a challenge!

Mothers Day weekend.

Mothers Day weekend.

Can I just say it went of without a hitch. Saturday morning started with Yoga and the gym. Then a visit to my friend Leigh's Salon where I was greeted with a bear hug and a hot man! Then transformed for winter. The afternoon was spent at the beach with fish and chips, shell collecting and exploring.

Hubby worked both nights and the kiddies were in bed early and so was I.

Mothers day started with a sleep in and then brekkie and then cards and presents and then quiet time for mum. YAY!

Best weekend ever. So in love and so happy!

I was all over it this morning, house sorted and then of to the library to participate in toddler activities and then to the gym and then groceries. But, in between the library and the gym Tom went crazy! I had him over my shoulder like a bag of rice. Tried to calm him down but he would not hear of it. So stressful with a room full of babies and staff watching you.
When I finally got to the class my pants were to loose but I could not tighten them because they had been knotted. My top was riding up and my bra was to big and nothing was contained in there! I kept loosing track and in the middle of the class felt like I had done nothing. ARGH

The creche staff came in and I was sure I was about to be dragged to the principals office (or back to the creche, but it feels the same)

It all came good and I got it all done. But I am totally knackered!
Boys are sleeping and who would believe me that these two could be anything more than angels!

Just on the gym front I have been going five times a week and yoga on saturday. The before photo's were stuck to the inside of my vanity door for inspiration as was the scales print out from the gym.(it has percentages and BMI etc) I am not eating milk or bread and am watching my intake but not going to town on it. Alcohol was switched to gin and tonic with a twist of lemon 6 drinks a week mainly on the weekend.

My next weigh in is at the endocronologist in a week or so (must check that date...).

My jeans fit me better and I feel much sexier too.

 Next on the to do list is to get my trainer to do my measurements.

What I should have stood up and yelled!

So whilst sitting next to a man he began to tell a story of a woman whom was coming to seek treatment from him as she had been doing manual labour and her body was not used to it. The reason she was doing this is because her husband was suffering depression and was not working. The woman had taken on the load and was sore because of that. Her children had suffered sporting injuries and therefor she was also looking after them. The man went on to tell me that she was overweight and looked as though she did not take care of herself. The man was more shocked to learn she was in fact the same age as him. He said he would not look twice at her if he saw her on the street. He found it hilarious that this woman's husband was not working because of his depression. " what a loser" " hi honey have you made dinner? Nope I'm depressed". He laughed to the point he held his stomach. The man spoke on this topic for several minutes. I did not have the courage to stand up and say what I should have. I could not speak. If I could turn the clock back this is what I would have said: This woman has lived so much more than you because she has so much love for the three most important people in her life that she is carrying them when they are in need. Who gives a fuck what she looks like. Who gives a fuck if she is overweight. You sir have missed this life lesson completely. You sir have no comprehension of being anything but selfish. You may be her age on paper but your about 13 years younger than her mentally (13 years being the age of her eldest child) The depression that her husband is suffering is not a laughing matter. He is not being lazy! How fucking dare you to sit in judgement when you yourself have not been through depression or any mental illness. Not only have you no idea the weight this woman carries everyday but you have no idea of the people in your own life who have and do struggle with mental illness. This woman and woman in similar positions should be commended for all the love and support given to their loved ones. They are beautiful. Shame on you for being an absolute arsehole! That is what I should have said...

Yesterday the kids were picked up and looked after. Hubby and I went to the shops and then cought a movie. At one point he asked if I was a Phsyco, I was so confused. He then explained that I was walking around smiling at people and it was freaking him out. He cracks me up. It did make me think how peaceful I felt though. Yesterday I went to yoga and did a run before that. My god it makes me feel fantastic. I love the instructor, he is lovely! So I still feel really fantastic. Tuesday is the three week mark of being back on oroxine and working out five days a weeks and eating really well. I'm feeling more comfortable in my skin and am excited about going to the doctors in a few more weeks to check out my levels and weigh in. Dad was great this week, asked me how it was going and pointed out that loosing 2.7 kilos was great and equated it to almost three bags of sugar. So I have decided to get a thing going. Twenty two kilos of something. When I loose weight I move it from the "weight to loose" to the "weight I've lost". What to use.... Pebbles! Remembering I'm only going to weigh myself at the six week intervals roughly until I can handle the numbers in my head. Read the cutest little animation the other day "we only have one body, love the one you're in" When I was emotional and agitated the other day I greeted my dad with tears and a cuddle and he wandered of and came back with the coolest wrist cuff. Love my old man! Love my new cuff!